So, the other day I'm at work and an associate cuts her toe on some kind of twisted metal chair. I go off to ask if anyone has a band-aid for it and a woman I work with looks at me and announces, "I have a foot fetish, but I'm not sucking on anyone's bloody toe." I have no idea why anyone would ever say this in response to a request for a band-aid. I suppose life is odd that way. Consider the absurdity:

"Does anyone have a band-aid? Alice cut her toe on the chair and she's bleeding."

"I have a foot fetish, but I'm not sucking on anyone's bloody toe."

At what point does this response become in any way reasonable? No one is requesting any kind of toe sucking in this scenario. No one is discussing fetishes or any kind of general weirdness. There is simply a need to bandage a bleeding extremity. I just don't get it.

If you want to go completely insane, I recommend being in love with two women at the same time. If that doesn't work, move to where you are within an hour or so of another woman you are in love with but with whom you've achieved a sort of emotional dormancy with. You'll go crazy off the rails. So, for those of you who want to go crazy, I recommend this path.

I am at the 7-11 at six o'clock in the morning the other day and there is this man standing in front of the building yelling at a truckload of fellers who are getting gas. He's yelling, "I'll kick your ass, you skinny ass motherfuckers." The men he is yelling at are a group of beefy, heavily bearded and very overweight white men who seem confused by his verbal barrage. He keeps telling them they are "skinny ass motherfuckers" and these guys have giant beer guts from hell. I just don't get it. I go inside and a well-dressed, well-groomed man is standing at the hot dog rolling pin machine asking the clerk about his recommendations in regards to the various weiners and sausages available. He seems to think he is in a five star restaurant because his questions are too much for the 7-11 at 6am. "What are the special ingredients in this particular offering... Have you ever tried it and would you recommend it to a friend?" The insanity is everywhere, isn't it?

I'm due for another comical write-up since I've been very dour and overcome with psychotic prophesies and love poetry, but right now my back hurts. I slept on it funny, and about two weeks ago I feel asleep and pulled my desk and computer down on top of me. I may have suffered a head injury, but mostly I twisted my leg and my back and knee still hurt. Video of me pulling my desk down on top of me would be very comical and could be used in a "How Not to Be an Idiot" video or DVD.

I've kissed some of the most beautiful women on this planet. I think my lips worked during these kisses because they seemed to like it. I don't know though. Have you ever wondered how you figured out how to kiss? I once heard that girls practice kissing on stuffed animals. For some reason this excites me and makes me want to rent videos on the subject. Kissing rocks.

Is there anyone in the Central Florida area who would like a free dresser with vanity mirror? It is almost an antique, needs some refinishing, but is otherwise in very good shape. You just need a truck or something to transport it in. I need to get rid of this sucker within the next two weeks. Claim it and it is yours.

Shut up and take off your clothes. Enough talk already, girl. Can't we just make love instead?

I'm insatiable and I have an ego the size of Montana. If I could correct these defects, I'd be a pretty decent dude. Then again, that could just be my ego talking.