If you happen to have purchased a computer from a large manufacturer like Dell or Gateway, please inform us when you've made upgrades. We have a monitor in front of us (usually) that has a list of what's in your computer. If I waste more than 20 minutes trying to fix a video card that you don't have, and you won't tell me about, don't be shocked when I hang up. Warranty or not, misleading me isn't going to help your cause.

If you call and ask for a supervisor immediately, humor me and let me try to help you first. If you can't give me ten minutes to try to make headway on your problems, then you don't have the time to pursue any of the options my supervisor is going to give you.

Just because tech support at XYZ, Inc. spent ten minutes on the phone with you and told you the problem was with my equipment, doesn't make it true. I'm going to try everything I can to fix your problem, but if you're on the phone with me for 2 hours and I finally tell you it's their problem, just fucking believe me.

At some point, I too have to listen to my hold music. You don't have to tell me how shitty it is. Also, don't complain when I cut into your favorite 80's power ballad to take your phone call. I'm almost certain to hang up.

When we have you format a 20Gig IDE hard drive, and actually stay on the line with you, we fully intend to take a break. If I put you on hold for ten minutes, it's probably because I needed a caffeine fix or needed to take a dump. Don't be offended. You've probably caught me 5 hours into a 9 hour shift, and I bet I'm not in the mood for your crap.

I've never seen your computer. I can't tell you if it's any good or not.

Seriously, threatening to sue the company isn't going to get your new Winmodem sent out any faster. Also, get used to the idea that I'm not going to give you my full name. I have an employee number for a good reason.

I don't care if you have to hog-tie and gag them, I don't want to hear your children screaming in the background when you call. Focus all your attention on me, because the third or fourth time I have to repeat instructions to be heard over your crotchlings, I'm gonna go nuts.

Yeah, I think that about does it for me.