History is littered with those who have had great power (Alexander the Great and his empire), those who wanted to define it (Machiavelli in “The Prince”), and even some who have been forced to relinquish it (George W. Bush while undergoing a colonoscopy).

Few have come to realize the before you get the power, you must first get the sugar (C6H12O6). Known to the science community as glucose - and to a few as white gold or Texas tea . . . sweetener – this compound, if properly used, can be a significant source of energy (roughly 30 ATP, which is worth roughly 1,600 kcal/mol) and, thus, power. One only needs to employ the intricacies of cellular metabolism.

What to do with all this power? A good, albeit fragmented, question that has plagued many people. You could take over Europe, force the computer age to abide by your rules, go after the dictator that had the audacity to threaten your father’s life, or maybe demand and endless supply of Mallomars (yummy!). But in the end, all of this will at best chip away at that personal void you’ve attempted to fill.

Well, friend, that’s because chain of events isn’t yet over. For, you see, the next logical step after getting the power is getting (you guessed it) the women. This step should really take car of itself, as can be seen in the Gibb’s Free Energy equation:

G = H – TS

Where G = your unattractiveness towards women.

H = a cosmological constant which stands for the average man’s attractiveness to the average woman. Its value is exactly . . . 3.

T = your amount of power in telomeres. To calculate this, hold your hands in front of you, perpendicular to your chest, and the move them away from each other until they are at a distance which you feel represents the amount of power you have from converting so many pounds of sugar. Make sure to have a friend measure this as it is quite difficult to gauge the distance while maintaining the proper gap.

S = penis size

The lower your value of G, the greater your affinity to women.

Use this information as wisely as I have and you will soon be sleeping on top of large piles of money with many beautiful women.