user since
Tue Mar 25 2003 at 05:35:55 (21.7 years ago )
last seen
Fri Apr 4 2003 at 08:05:04 (21.7 years ago )
level / experience
0 (Initiate) / -1
most recent writeup
necropolis (thing)
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I'm putting this here until I find out the proper way to submit it.

I'm not happy with the mandala that I just made.
I'm not happy about much lately.
Fire and Ice are colliding on my head and smoke is everywhere.
I can't even see my hands.
At first I tried to just walk in a straight line but the smoke was too thick
and all I might find is a wall in that direction.
So I'm sitting on the floor, weeping
because the smoke has blocked my path once again
and I've lost too much
and now I can't get back up.
I'm laying on the floor
bawling because the smoke is getting thicker
and I can't find my way out.
I've lost my way now, I can't even see where I came from.
Can't return to where I was, and all the doors have locked
and the walls are closing in.
I'm trapped, and no one  understands.
Two days in a row now.
Two days in a row I've layed here bawling
about what I wish I could have done
and what I don't have,
like a little child
who can't have his way.
Two days in a row I have layed here bawling instead of going to school
and now I feel guilty
for the  grades I could have, would have, should have gotten.
But that's nonsense, and no one understands.
I'm laying here bawling in the dark
and throwing a tantrum
and it would have been nice if I had more friends
who could look out for me
and help guide me through the smoke.
But that's not their fault.
I locked the doors myself.
I wish someone would rescue me,
but I know I must rescue myself.
I'm taking these pills now.
Maybe they will help,
but I don't want to sit in the darkness
for a month, while I wait to find out.

I'm in the cold water now, sinking.
I want to swim out but the water is so very cold.
My body has stopped responding to my  commands.

Maybe these pills will kick in along the way
and I'll start rising back to the surface.
I hope I don't drown in the meantime.