Lack of sleep does things to people, I'm telling you.
Although it isn't so much a lack of sleep thing.. because I got up at what, 12? 12:45? Something like that. It's almost midnight now. I shouldn't be sleep-emotional for a few hours yet. That usually happens late at night, like three or four in the morning.
So why am I angry now? Why do I want to hit something?
Maybe it's Adobe Photoshop making me feel like an idiot. Maybe it's the knowledge that there is work to do and I'm not doing it. Maybe it was seeing that ex-boyfriend look-alike at Seneca today. Maybe it's blah blah fscking blah.
Who knows? Even trying to figure it out makes me mad.
Blind, senseless anger.
Thou art the enemy of the world.
The only way to stop being angry is to accept the fact that you're angry. You can't get angry at your anger; that just takes you around in circles. I'm running around like a hamster on a wheel at the moment and telling myself what I'm supposed to be doing is just making me go faster.
Music isn't helping...
Music always helps. The steady rhythm of it alone brings me down from hysterics. Yet I'm still angry. Still mad at everything, and nothing, at the same time.
What only makes it worse is that I can't be mad at anyone. Well, maybe my Dad... but I won't get into that. I'll go on for hours and it'll only make things worse -- not to mention take up space.
I'm wondering if I should go to bed. Sometimes it helps, and sometimes I go into my room and instantly want to hit my pillow. Once or twice I've thrown my stuffed animals around violently until I recovered myself and then tearfully apologized to them. I hate feeling like this, especially if I don't understand it. It gets into the whole circle concept again.
I think this might be one of the pillow-beating nights. It's not quite so bad as to be a stuffed animal abuse night. Though if my stupid excuse for a little brother comes out here again my mood might go from bad to dangerous.
I'm blaming the pills.
Stupid hormones. It's all your fault.