• People give you presents and cards.
  • Days off work.
  • Stuff on telly.
  • Roaring fires, turkey, tons of unhealthy food, plenty of booze.
  • No-one looks at you funny if you spark up a spliff at 10am.


  • You have to give people presents and cards. The people you haven't sent cards to always send you a fucking card the day before the post stops for a fucking month, so when you quickly toss one off (so to speak) they know you weren't going to send one, and are only sending it to be polite.
  • Those 2 or 3 stupid days at work in between Christmas and New Year when no fucker is going to bother phoning or doing anything.
  • Mary fucking Poppins, Sound of fucking Music, and the increasingly irrelevant Top of the Pops Christmas Day version.
  • Drugs drought.
  • Shop managers: "Hmm, here's an idea to get the customers in the Christmas spirit - let's put on that CD of Christmas songs, the one with Fairytale of New York, Slade, Shakey, Wizzard, and Paul McCartney. And as the average customer only spends half an hour in our shop, let's leave it on repeat play - the staff won't mind. Come on, it's Christmas!" - Every single fucking shop you go into, the same 10 fucking songs, over and over and over. Do they have no idea? It's the same old shit, every time, what the fuck made you think I'll enjoy hearing "Last Christmas" by George Michael for the 10,000th time? Please, please, just make it stop before I snap and go on a fucking killing spree.

I want to come and worship the monkey. The monkey is wise. The monkey has much to offer me. I am around for the whole of the Christmas period. Call on me, and I will fight the good fight against sobriety.

WyldWynd: Oh, sorry, my bad. But yes, it's true, he's done the cover version with Maire Brennan from Clannad - and changed "you cheap lousy faggot" to "you're cheap and you're haggard". What a freak, eh?

fondue: I'll take that drink, and drink it too. How's that for a bargain??

FelonyMPulse: I'll fucking munchkin you, he said, in that bizarre parentspeak. I'll bloody well bicycle you, my mother said once, when I asked for a bicycle. I still don't understand how she planned on doing that. Anyway, it's crutch kickin time, boy - I had my ankles removed for tax reasons, so you don't scare me.