So I'm finding that this whole 'having a baby' decision is way more multi-layered than I thought it would be. We decided that yes, we want to have a child. I have finally started educating myself about the crazy ordeal that is pregnancy and delivery, but I haven't learned enough yet to be remotely ready. Now I find that my readings are making me ask even more questions. While I thought those two first things were the biggest deals, I now find myself asking... "But am I ready to be a mother"? I may be ready to have a child... but am I ready to be a mom? Is Scoresby ready to be a dad? Is it going to be easier for him at first to be a dad than it will be for me to be a mom? The reality is that I will have to feed this child... breastfeed it right after going through what will be the most stressful thing I will ever go through.

This whole thing is just way more complicated than most people make it out to be. I am getting more and more angry at people who have pressured us to have a kid; cousins who have two or three kids or parents who just want grandchildren. Have they thought about whether or not we are ready? Yes, people can have children without thinking of all of these things, but should they? I almost feel like I am putting myself through some sort of Master's Degree in babies with all of the reading I am doing and all of the thinking I still have to do. Am I over-analyzing all of this? I don't think so. I wish my own parents planned better for my siblings and I. Maybe that is why this is so hard for me? Is it because I had a bad mother?

I just keep coming back to the question... “Am I ready to be a mother?” Answer: Yes. “Am I ready to be a good mother?” Answer: I don’t know. Am I ready to give up all of my own dreams to give all of my energy to the goal of helping someone new to survive? Sure I could do this half-assed, but that isn't what I want. I want to be ready to be a great mother.

Maybe the fact that I am even thinking this way means that yes, I am ready to be a great mother. I wish I knew.