I just found out about the loss of one of our own. Regardless of the circumstances behind his demise, the world is now diminished by 1 more individual. Whatever his reasons, he is now gone and his legacy is left with us- his writings and outpourings. Even those of us who did not know him personally or interact with him are deprived of his presence. Everything seems a little more empty- if it is possible for "everything" to be reduced somehow. For however long his writeups remain on these servers, he will be with us, just a click away.
I've never seriously contemplated suicide- not as an actual or realistic solution to my problems. Intellectually, I've thought about it. The ways, the times, the places, the clean-up crews, the friends left behind, the family, the fear, the lawyers, the State... I'm a fairly responsible person, but not that responsible. If I ever considered suicide as an option I'd feel guilty, first thing, about all the stuff those left behind would have to clean up and take care of for me. Rent, utilities, my computer, stories, porn, clothes... all kinds of stuff just sitting around, no longer in use by me, and left in the hands of others who might ask unanswerable questions. Is a Last Will and Testiment thorough enough to deal with all that stuff once I'm gone? I get new stuff all the time, new responsibilities... I'd have to update my Will at least once a month just to make sure it all got taken care of. From a purely pragmatic and considerate point of view, I just couldn't do that to the people around me. Too many loose ends to tie up, enough for a lifetime of knitting, to let someone else handle it.
I'm not afraid of death. Personally, I believe in an afterlife and I feel that I've been fairly good to those around me. I don't know how my life equates in the Abha Kingdom (Kingdom of God, according to the Baha'is), but I like to think that I've secured a decent seat for myself in the big stadium in the sky- maybe not box seats, but a decent view. From what I believe regarding the next world, it seems like a pretty exciting place- definitely new and different. I'm actually eager to get there, but not that eager. I've got some spiritual limbs in this life that need more growing before I'm ready for the next step. I've got the love thing down, I think, but patience is still nagging at my heels. Inherently I somehow know that by taking my own life, I'd be depriving myself of more spiritual development that might be necessary in the next world- like patience might equate mobility there... I'd hate to have short legs in any plane of existence.
Hearing about the death of another person, whether they've taken their own life or are victims of circumstance, always leaves me feeling... pensive. It's like I sit back and reflect on my own life. Have I done enough? Am I good enough? Am I strong enough? What's left to do that I haven't done yet? Are my dreams just dreams or will they really come true at some point, if I'm patient enough? It's like taking my day into account, just before I go to sleep. Review. A Lifelog, as opposed to a daylog.
Take stock in who you are. How do you want people to remember you? Friend or foe? Heroic or hopeless? Strong or weak? Honored or reviled? This life is a one-shot wonder. Make the best of it and continue to do so if at all possible.
Not every day is going to be the best, but tomorrow is another day. Live to fight another day- if you fight long and hard enough, you'll eventually come out on top. I have exactly one birthday, the rest are anniversaries. After the day I die, the anniversaries will be celebrated by few.
I intend to live long and (so what if it's cliche?) prosper.