From the Fourth Class Regiment's Head Gouge
for the week:
The Naval Academy Correspondence Course for young Naval Officers
Finish your Young Officer studies from the comfort of your own home!
Lesson 1: Navigator - Tie a brick around your neck. Sit close to the largest window in your house. Call your father every time a car comes within 1000 yards of the house with a "potential collision situation". Take bearings to random street lights and large buildings. Continue for 8 hours.
Lesson 2: First Lieutenant - Muster your kids out in the backyard. Perform uniform inspections. Order them to strip the paint, then repaint the house haze grey. When your 10 year old spills a can into the pool, reduce him in age to 9, and dock his allowance.
Lesson 3: Executive Officer - Randomly throw your cat into the pool, and blast a foghorn six times shouting "MAN OVERBOARD PORT SIDE! THIS IS A DRILL!" Proceed to inspect the kitchen. Dump pots, pans, silverware and dishes onto the floor. Scold your wife and kids for not having the galley "stowed for sea".
Lesson 4: Commanding Officer - Get a large, plush recliner put in the living room. Ban your grandchildren from your "wardroom" until they earn their Warfare Qualification pin. Order the family to "request to join the captain's mess" if you are at the dinner table. Have them come to attention and stand up if you come to the table after them. Use a megaphone to hail to pedestrians on the sidewalk outside your house that they have "entered a Naval Vessel Exclusion Zone", and that "failure to reverse course may result in the use of lethal force".
Lesson 5: Fleet Commander - Continue Lessons 1-4, except perform in other people's houses within your neighborhood. Explain they have been assigned to your battle group. Call a Captain's Mast if they attempt to call the police. Explain to police that admiralty is in effect, meaning you cannot be arrested.