Whether to break up with a girl I have just started seeing who says she finds me incredibly sexy and attractive. List compiled from a conversation I had with myself in the mirror 30 minutes ago.
- It's fucking things up between me and my best mate as he asked her out first.
- She has an obsessive compulsive disorder which means I have to sit on a certain part of her bed, I’m not allowed to sit on the floor, I'm not allowed to touch anything of hers etc etc. Previous girlfriend also had a mental disorder which I thought I could live with, but it turned out I couldn't.
- She insults my physical features. Apparently I have a big nose, am too skinny, too boney, unhealthy because I have so little body fat.
- She says I have a terrible personality.
- Apparently I have to deal with the fact that she is horrible if I want to keep seeing her.
- When she's drunk she's nastier then usual. Unfortunately she drinks a lot and gets drunk on 1 pint.
- Sexual contact of any kind is prohibited.
- She's tired all the time and goes to sleep on me whenever I see her.
- She moans at me for not having a car. I have a Triumph Spitfire which I'm restoring at the moment but she can't wait. She doesn't even have a license.
- She moans at me for not having a job. I'm depressed enough about this fact and don't need extra pressure heaped on me. The job she wants me to get has to pay enough for her not to work and to support a minimum of 2 children. I've only being seeing her a couple of weeks and I’m 22 for Christ sake!
- She wants to be taken out to restaurants 5 times a week. I'm trying to get by on £42 a week dole money at the moment.
- She asks me leading questions and puts words in my mouth. Then moans at me incessantly about what I am suppose to have implied by my supposed answers.
- She’s a vegetarian. Now I haven't got anything against vegetarians, but it just complicates matters and confuses me, as it seems she has no good reason to be one, I mean, if we weren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? She then also doesn't bat an eyelid about buying leather shoes or clothes.
- She has a cat allergy, I have a cat. This means if she comes round my house and I stress 'if', then after 5 minutes she starts rubbing her eyes and sneezing and wheezing and Im accused of making her ill on purpose even though she knows I got a mutherfucking cat!
- Apparently I have to be 'alright' with her flirting with other boys if we go out together.
- Every time I meet her she's never pleased to see me and is always so negative and miserable about everything!
- She's fragile and delicate beyond reason. I know the majority of girls are fragile objects to be handled with care and attention, and that's part of the fun of being the man and being protective, but I give her a light slap/tap on her thigh as men tend to do to girls, and it results in real fucking crys of pain as apparently that is a tender area. It seems her whole goddam body is a tender area.
- She manages to turn a situation in which Im angry and deserve an apology into one in which I end up saying sorry and I'm trying to win her round. Don't ask me how, but she can do it just like that.
On the plus side, I enjoy her company when she's not being a fucking bitch which ain’t that often.
In the film American Psycho Patrick Bateman invites his secretary back to his apartment one night. They have a general conversation about this and that as his secretary sits on his sofa eating ice cream. Patrick wanders around his kitchen eventually picking up a huge fucking nail gun. He casually walks around behind her with this nail gun behind his back completely out of sight. He moves behind her. Then, all the while continuing with their conversation he brings it up and holds it a couple of inches away from the back of her head. There are a few seconds of intense anticipation as you wait for her brains to splatter over his coffee table. Unfortunatley, his phone rings, his concentration is broken and the homicidal moment passes.
I wish I had a huge fucking nail gun and no phone.