Or BAD TV! BAD TV! BAD TV! Bad TV makes me bored. Boredom crushes everyone. Bad TV!

Is there some law of physics which states that daytime television is universally bad?

Anyone who is retired, unemployed, or plain phoned in sick will know what I mean. The pattern is simple and unceasingly awful.

First, there will be some 'morning TV'. This will usually be something like Good Morning with Richard and Judy: z-list celebrities, cookery slots, phone-ins etc. All done in the most insincere, pastel, irritating manner possible. You will then have a few gameshows; Supermarket Sweep is a good example (Dale Winton, embarrased contestants, plastic vegetables). Smiling people with bad hair will be patronised by the incredibly camp host who, if it is Bob Monkhouse on Wipeout, will throw in some sexist mother-in-law jokes. Interspersed with the gameshows will be soaps such as Family Affairs and Home and Away. Following the gameshows and soaps will be childrens' TV, which is actually the best thing on all day. The realm of daytime TV will end with a programme such as Ricki Lake, where women tell their fiances that they're having a lesbian affair with their cousins.

The advertisements deserve a special mention. Whether accurately or not, ads people have decided that the primary audience for daytime TV consists of OAPs (senior citizens). As such, the adverts are for products such as Seven Seas Pure Cod Liver Oil, strairlifts, garden furniture, pension plans and adult nappies. Yay.