The Unnecessarily Scandalous Daily Herald

August 23, 2005

Making news out of very little since 2005

Black Man sold into slavery

by Chad Major

An office party gone mad??!?.

Yesterday a black man was auctioned off into slavery at the annual Corporation inc. office party in Winnipeg, Wyoming. John White, a 34-year old accountant for the firm, was sold for 80 dollars to a white woman. The slave auction was called a "bachelor sale", and several bachelors in the firm were auctioned off to be "personal slaves" to the highest bidder.

The woman who bought John said she preferred to remain nameless. When asked what she was going to do with her new bought slave, Karen Douglas replied, "Oh, I don't know. I'm just going to have some fun with him." When asked if she was going to make him pick cotton for her, she replied, "What the hell are you talking about?" Her answers to further questions about her intentions and her slave-trading history cannot be printed here for reasons of modesty.

Entire village wiped out in brutal attack

by Larry Judge

A ship landed at the small English village of Hocksleydale and the passengers disembarked. They were all rather large men, probably Danish. They immediately began massacaring the residents of the village. After killing all the men and children, they proceeded to rape the women of the village. Brutal acts of such violence have not been seen since in england for many centuries. The attackers were ruthless and vicious, and left no male alive. Neither the Danish or the British government chose to comment on the story. No villagers were left to comment as they are all long dead.

It should be noted that this was the last recorded viking attack, and it happened in August, 1023.

David Beckham may never play football again

by Justice Longley

David Beckham, the famous Real Madrid and England international football star may never play football again. Beckham is probably the most famous football player in the world and recently returned to Spain after a pre-season tour of the Far East. Although he has no current injuries, it is possible that his football playing days are over.

Real Madrid's physician was quoted as saying "I don't know what you are talking about," when asked if it's true that Beckham may never play again. When asked if he was sure Beckham would be fit for Saturday's friendly again Saragosa, the doctor said, "He's fit, yes, he should play." When asked if he can rule out the possibility that something might happen to Beckham between now and Saturday, he said, "What are you talking about?"

He then refused to rule out the possibility that Beckham might have a debilitating car accident, or that Beckham might have a bottle thrown at his head by a crazy fan, sending him into a coma. For example. The doctor further commented, "What are you, a fuck*ng idiot?" and said "This interview is over."

David Beckham was unavailable for comment.

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