How To Have A Happy Birthday Under Adverse Circumstances

Birthdays are usually simple happy things for me. Today is mine. This one has been complicated because, as they say, 'Someone Done Me Wrong'. We won't go into all the sordid details here, but I will say that by mutual consent, that someone is still around.

So I wake up and realize it's my birthday and I'm not particularly happy about it. I am still angry at this person and his foolishness. This complicates the dinner plans we have for the evening to celebrate, and I like things simple. What to do? What to do?

I stalk around my house a little bit, slinging clothes, slamming drawers open and closed, and generally being pissy. Then I see them in my vanity drawer: A whole box of bullets. Not BIG bullets. Just little .22 calibers, nestled cute in their amber plastic case. There's a hundred of them.

I snatch them up and sneak to the room where he lays sleeping. My first shot is off and makes an unsatisfying 'Thud' into the comforter. I choose another missle and and throw it -- Yes, I'm throwing bullets at a sleeping man -- and this time I get a direct hit and a satisfying "Owww! What the hell are you DOING?"

Now I let loose with both hands with multiple rounds. Bullets flying everywhere at velocities reaching all of three miles an hour. He can only cower and try to hide under the covers. "Take that! And that! HAH!" He doesn't try to stop me...This is probably the healthiest thing I've done since our proverbial 'problem' was revealed to me.

Finally, I am out of ammunition. We are both laughing our asses off. I think he's just glad I didn't actually shoot him. I leave for work, wondering what it's going to sound like when the vacuum cleaner sucks one of those babies up when he cleans up the mess. I also figure I'll probably have a pretty happy birthday after all.