Har har, my first daylog. Nice that the content is about something that happened about 3 months ago, but heck, I don't remember the exact date.

Not-all-too-long ago, I had had a crush on this girl I had know for several years. We were in the same class, listened to similiar music and had some pretty interesting conversations at times. But there were always some things that really annoyed me about her, which makes me doubt it was ever real love, but thats not the point here.
Eventually, she got a boyfriend, and held on to him for two years. During that time I said, hey, she's happy, just let it rest.

And I did.

Until she broke up with him. I felt elated, thinking I might really have a chance again. You see, I had already told her I loved her (even though it probably wasn't true). Now she was pretty heartbroken, so I said, hey, I'll chill until you feel better again. And it was OK.

Until she slept with one of my friends.

Now I know she didn't BELONG to me, and I had no right to be mad at her for it. After all, it was understandable. She just broke up with someone, is feeling lonely, etc.


Damn it hurt. But I let it slide. But she kept on fooling around with other boys, and my patience had really run out. You see, at 17 I was a ticking sexual time bomb. I had this urgent need to FUCK, and with her, I could at least *imagine* it meaning something to me.

Then came the time I had a little party in my back yard. Nothing big, but we had music, beer and company. At the end of this evening, me and this other guy (the aforementioned guy) took the girl back home. Eventually, the dude left, winking at me. I turned to the girl, who was about to say goodbye, when I blurted out:

Can I sleep at your house tonight?

Note: I live a freaking block away from her house.
She looked at me for a second. Then she said: "I don't think you should." At that I broke down, asking her why the hell she had slept with that guy, why she was fooling around with everybody, why she hadn't chosen ME. She knew I loved her, what THE HELL WAS HER PROBLEM???

She had a pretty good reason. She said that she feared once we slept together, it would mean too much to me. She wouldn't be able to see me in the eye anymore, knowing that I would love her even more, but she would not feel a thing for me in return.

Taking a swig from the bottle of Bacardi I had brought with me, I said: "Damn.", and sat down. Then she gave me a choice: Either I have sex with her, but it meaning zilch emotionwise, or I go home.

I am such an emotional softie.

No, I did NOT sleep with her.