Yes, it's damn daylog. Sue me (at least until I get a LiveJournal account.

So. Once again I miscalculate the damage my words and actions can cause. It also hasn´t been the first time I´m stuck between honesty, truth, selfishness, hypocrisy, conflicting emotions, the absence of emotions, introvertism the wish for extrovertism and sexual hunger. Whoever thinks these things cannot exist at the same time in some form or another has not experienced it and is probably luckier for it.

The idea is to do the "right thing". But if you have sworn off any moral code (to try to escape any of religion's manifestations) there can't be any "right" thing. Or can there? What defines "right"?

I just wanna be happy.


This may sound weird, but I feel at some point in my personal past I lost my contact with reality. I can't quite explain what I mean by that. There is my mind, and then there is the world. Distinctly different things with a clear connection.

I've a theory this may have something to do with my smoking pot quite often for a few weeks in my young teenage years (I still do it occasionally, but I don't notice any other effects these days). Maybe it created a chemical imbalance, some sort of psychological breach or something else. I'm not a doctor (or a psychiatrist). In any case I have this fear that since then I've been less aware of my surroundings and of life in general.

Then there is theory number two. I'm nearsighted, meaning I either wear glasses and my field of vision is cut down to a fraction, or I wear contacts (which I do more often) and have a constant slight blurring of my vision whenever I blink. It might be possible that this things lead to me feeling that things are less "real". Would laser surgery help? Would perfect eyesight solve this dilemma?

We trust our eyes to tell us what Reality is...if I don't trust my eyes, how can I trust what I see is Reality?

These things must sound insane to anyone who hasn't experienced what I have or doesn't understand what I mean. Still, maybe somebody will by chance know where the problem lies and tell me how to fix it.

Or of course I might be just spending too much time thinking. *shrug*.