Beltane got a copy of FFIX during the massive hulla-ba-dub that was the holiday season. This game has tremendous music, great graphics, tons of what we refer to technically (being the masterful gamers that we are) as "little hidden shit," and was all in all, loads of fun to play. This isn't to say that the game wasn't plagued by the usual fare of unfortunate afflictions, e.g. load time, random arbitrary romance, and the character of Queen Brahne, but it was, by and large, an enjoyable (5 days with sleep breaks) play through. My main problem with the whole... thing (if you will), was it's easy boss battles.

Okay. So we'd been playing up until the wee hours, and I got the idea to jam the controller under the couch (as I'd been just tagging the 'fight' button over and over again) during one of the fights mid-3rd disc. Miraculously, or not remotely so, the couch won the fight.

This turn of events was much to my liking, and when Beltane handed me the controller so that I could finish off the last boss the next day, I wasted no time in jamming that controller under the chair and letting it work it's magic. Slapnutz ended up killing Amarant (Caelin in our game), but the day was saved by the might of the team I'd put together earlier on ("A team full of assbeaters is better than a team full of magic users. Yeah, sure, we can keep the summoner.") The last boss's mystical ways couldn't compete against my chair's button mashing capability. Thusly, a legend was born.

The Final Word: Square should never have put 'auto-regen' in the game.

The Word After the Final Word: I know what you're saying here, but did your chair beat Final Fantasy IX? Yeah, "not yet" is right.