i am sitting at work. i am still listening to the same mix that i have been listening to since tuesday night. i have been to the basement, i have shredded much paper...i have hit a very unnatural state of calm. a quiet smile, a shiny coating on a vacant gaze...taking in everything, and letting it pass. the headache is gone, and i return.

i used to be like this in my first year of college. no one saw me, not because i wasn't there, but because i must bend light bizarrely in this mood. i had to turn it off in order to buy lunch, or i'd have stood there all afternoon. i have an aversion to dealing with anyone in meatspace. i would like to stay interfaced with the world and its happenings, but i would do it from here -- from behind the machine. little sister is watching, don't you know.

niall will be unhappy with me. he doesn't understand that this is a perfectly valid mode -- that a person can function in a refractive zen bubble for months at a time, with few ill effects. once, i forgot the sound of my voice. it sounded funny when i finally spoke to someone after two weeks of silence. i'd had no reason to talk, no one to talk to. it was pretty funny. i watch myself now, make sure i at least go out and buy a sandwich at the frontier so that i won't have it happen again. i'm sure it won't. too many people are bent on speaking to me at this point. i don't understand.

but hey, it's all good. some russian physicist was hitting on me today. that was confusing and cool. i really wanted to go to the colloquium today, and he really wanted me to go to the colloquium....but i had to go to work. *sigh* i'm sure there'll be another chance. this week's lecture was to be divided (if i heard correctly) between quantum physics and something about design principles for non-terrestrial environs. god, i love the space program.

the world is a wild and wonderful place today....