I like to think back to that day: It was a hot August night in 98. We all sat around a bonfire, laughed and dreamed about the future. In fact, it's such a wonderful memory, it hurts that it never happened.
So I look back and try to figure out if I had a youth
. No matter how hard I try to remember, I can't seem to find any memories of me playing outside with friends or meeting up after school. I'm surely not suffering any memory disorder, it's just that my childhood
seems devoid of any emotion
. All those events in your past that make you become the person you are. Happy events, like innocently playing games in the park - as well as sad ones like saying farewell
to an old friend.
Commonly being in a familiar environment with people who are acquainted. Growing up with these people, seeing them change and evolve. It's not there. Maybe it's because I never stuck with the same people. Maybe because I never was really close with anyone.
In my painful search for memories that don't exist, I then I try to think about what went wrong. The absence of one event prevented following ones, and before you even realize what happened, your childhood is long over. There was no first kiss
, no fight
with your best friend. And there's no one to blame but yourself. Longing for a past that was never there is a pain beyond remedy. 'Your' old times is something you can't just buy. So I ponder, in another 20 years from now, will I think the same about these days? In the short timelines of our lives
, the time yet to come keeps fleeting while the times that have passed increase. The only precious thing we have, are our memories. What we gain is not status
. It's the experiences
that make our lives worthwhile.