There was an article in the newspaper a while back about the European Eagle Owl, a creature which fled the English countryside over a century and a half ago, and has subsequently made its home in wildlife sanctuaries and zoos. According to the newspaper, at least one couple has escaped from captivity and are resident in England's depleted forests, where they will no doubt commit great slaughter of England's soft, television-fed wild animals.

The scientific name for the European Eagle Owl is 'bubo bubo', and with wings outstretched an adult Eagle Owl is roughly the size of a six-foot-tall man lying on his side. The owls feed on rabbits, crabs and other birds. They are murderers. They seek to destroy all that is pure and good. They are vermin enemies of the human race.

One of the key news stories last year was of a war, a secret war which we do not notice, but which rages around us nonetheless; that between the red and the grey squirrels. The red squirrels, native to Britain, are being out-fought and out-competed by grey squirrels, which have invaded these lands by holding onto wind-blown blossoms, carried on the caurus and boreas from France, and also from America. I can understand France wanting to destroy Britain's wild animals. They have always hated us. But America! O! The new found land! Where once America promised salvation, a new start, now it brings death to our squirrels. The red squirrels seek to destroy all that is pure and good. They are vermin enemies of the human race.

However, I believe there may be salvation for the red squirrels. Salvation from the skies, in the form of the European Eagle Owl. The red squirrels must broker a deal; persuaded the Eagle Owls to feed exclusively on the grey squirrels, and when the ensuing bloodbath is over, hopefully both the grey squirrels and the eagle owls - powerful, but vastly outnumbered by the red squirrels - will lie dead.

The red squirrels have plenty to offer the Eagle Owls. A supply of nuts, finely-crafted nests, and financial services, for squirrels are very good at hoarding things. The three obstacles to this alliance are (a) the possibility that the grey squirrels, with their greater resources, might enlist the help of the Eagle Owl first, in which case I urge the red squirrels to act with all haste, (b) the possibility that the Eagle Owls might simply enslave the red squirrels, in which case it will be in the interests of the red squirrels to ensure that the Eagle Owls are totally dependant on their services - perhaps by promoting vegetarianism amongst the owl population, thus reducing their lust for meat (although they would have to be persuaded that grey squirrels are vegetables, otherwise the Eagle Owls would be useless), and (c) the possibility that the Eagle Owls might swap sides, in which case a combination of (a) and (b) should suffice.

Another alternative is for England's apathetic human masses to rise up, purchase air rifles, and wipe out the grey squirrels with a blazing torrent of lead. Squirrels are legally classed as vermin, and can therefore be shot without licence; furthermore, there are no moral barriers to eliminating the grey squirrels, except perhaps the danger of posioning the land with lead. However, we must recognise that that land is already posioned - with grey squirrels - and that their rotting bodies will nourish the soil. They seek to destroy all that is pure and good. They are vermin enemies of the human race.

I urge you. All of you. Go forth. And kill.

The gun is good.

"We bred you, we led you"
"And I have seen the force that put the idea in your head; you were bred and led yourself".

I have not chosen to discuss the pussycat. Now is not the time.

The beast:
The squirrel:
The article: