Here are a few completely useless emoticons:

:_) User's nose is sliding off his face.

+-:-) User is the pope.

<|-) User is Chinese.

<|-( User is Dman.

%-6 User is braindead.

:-E User is a bucktoothed vampire.

C=}>;*{)) A drunk, fiendish, chef wearing a toupee in an updraft who has a mustache and a double chin.