I Feel Like I Just Died

I have written about her several times on E2 (here, here and here), and I have held her as my own - foolishly perhaps - even though she wasn't.

I recently posed the question, "Is a crush better than a relationship?". I honestly didn't know the answer to that question, and still don't. But either thing, a crush or a relationship is bettter than how I am feeling now.

The girl I admired once in passing from a far a year ago, who just happened to get assigned the apartment next to me this year; the girl who I have written stupid letters never to be sent; the girl who made me so smitten with her Canadian "eh"s and "y'know"s; the girl who my roommates got sick of me talking about; the girl with the beautiful smile and wonderful laugh; the girl when she was happy ment I was as well; was the same girl kissing my Irish roommate tonight.

Maybe she was attracted to him because he's Irish. He's a foreigner here too; he's one of probably several thousand first generation Irish in this country, I'm just one in 280 million Americans. Maybe the person who saw them was incorrect, or maybe they were just drunk.

I just wish my roommate would have told me.