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Sometimes I really wonder about myself. I don't know whether I'm
seriously messed in the head, or
clinically depressed,
lonely, or just that
I love people too much.
I don't mean to start off on such a whiny note...but I guess
Everything Day Logs are as much to vent as to record the day.
*shrug* It's been the week before college begins again. I've moved in...(
blah)...some marching band camp going on, and some training to be a
resnet computing person to live in the dorms. Not like I especially need to be "
trained" how to install and configure an ethernet card, but it's
mandatory, and it gets me out of band camp, so I can't
especially complain.
*mgrin* Damn, it's humid here.
There are some days where I feel very disconnected from everybody I know.
Stuff goes on: being hit by loneliness in typical me fashion: stomachache, curled into a ball as much as possible (so I was in a training session...
*shrug*), managing to cry in a room full of people and not having anybody notice.
Other things: My parents seemingly pretending that my
weekend at home never happened; not getting any email from any of my friends at home in almost the past month, when I used to write daily; losing friends who graduated last year and the thought of them not being here makes my year look very long; not being able to go hang out with friends tonite at
RHPS; being spoiled during highschool with an incredible group of 20 friends who would hang out and do random things at a moment's notice; seeing people pull away from me and knowing that they don't want to hang out with me (no, that wasn't at you,
Duchess,
*HUG*); seeing a year in front of my computer. I guess I'll have a lot of nodes this year. Fucking yay.
It's just these little things that add up, and hit me in full force. Why am I lonely? I don't understand. Yeah, I love people. Yeah, I have friends. Yeah,
friendship and
communication and being with people I care about makes me happy. But I like being alone. I'm as strong an
introvert as one can possibly be on the
Meyers-Briggs test. It's not as if I'm lacking in the friends department...
It's like this: I enjoy listening to music...when I listen to music it makes me happy. When I don't have music to listen to, it's not a big deal. I go on with what I was doing. I enjoy my friends...when I'm with my close friends it makes me very happy. Close friendship and random or deep conversations are my utter lifeblood (and maybe hugs too). But, when I'm not with my friends...I get depressed, and lonely. So why? Depression? Paranoia? Self Esteem Issues? Need of a good smacking?
*smirk*