Since I've not dealt completely with the issues discussed in this writeup, I've decided to write it anonymously.
When I was around 19 or 20, realised I had quite distinct homosexual feelings, as well as the attraction to women I had - so for a while I kept this quiet, and was happy with what was clearly an emerging bisexual identity. I decided to come out to some close friends, and being the highly strung headcase that I was at the time, I found this very awkward. Well, more terrifying than awkward, really. Of course everyone was cool with it, since most had guessed anyway. Time went by, and after leaving university, I came out as bisexual to my new friends - again a needlessly terrifying experience. And once again, no-one gave a crap. Having guessed already. I later had my first boyfriend, which was an awkward experience since we clearly liked each other a lot, but we were in a rather romantically-challenging situation at the time, mainly due to work. At this point I was pretty much completely out of the closet completely. I was now doing fine, but it began to seem that my feelings waned over time. I like to think of myself as straight forwards, and the attitude of many people I met who were part of the gay scene began to piss me off. Something about it all seemed very annoying, for various reasons that I won't get into since it might rub some the wrong way.
Any same sex attraction, over a period of about half a year, died on the vine and I felt nothing consciously towards men for what must have been two or three years. Given my grudges and chips on my shoulder by this time, this was fine by me. I wasn't really missing anything and I came to the conclusion that my fluid sexuality had solidified somewhat into heterosexuality. It felt as if I'd
decided to only be straight, and this was what had happened for all intents and purposes. Now that's something that something that is obviously controversial, but this was my genuine experience.
However, it seems as of late, that I am once again having distinctly bisexual feelings, that are increasingly clear. Interestingly this is at a time of my life where I'm the happiest and the most mentally stable, having made very deliberate attempts to connect with my unconscious. So was all this repressed? Was I really straight during this time? I suspect the latter, in all honesty. So was I bisexual earlier? Yes. You don't get up to what I did without being at least a bit gay somewhere. In my experience all elements of the personality are fluid, and I think I was genuinely moving around the Kinsey scale. I don't believe I'm really anything deep down ? I'm just what I am at the moment.
It puts me in an interesting position ? that of reasserting my sexuality with my friends and acquaintances. I'm no longer the straight person they may think I am. Of course they may actually have thought I was bi all along, ever since I came out. What they think of me is something I don't know. And possibly, they're too polite to say.
So I may have to come out again, after thankfully getting quite experienced at it. Hopefully I can just do it, and not give a toss, unlike the terrifying experiences earlier in my life. I don't need that again, thanks. Thing is, some of my friends know, and some who I've met only a couple of years ago don't ? the latter occasionally read my nodes, so that's the reason it's been posted anonymously. I don't want to have to out myself until I'm certain in my feelings again. I'm not, however, one for bullshitting myself or others - although since it all seems new (and simultaneously old hat) and changing, I am not prepared to make any ultimately pointless moves. I know that much.
To all those as confused as me as to what the hell their minds are doing, this node's for you...