Last night I just had to get out. All of them sitting around drinking. I don't care if people drink, but they all look down upon me for not drinking they did not speak it but it was clear. I will always be alone because i'm not like everyone else. I thought I could make myself fit in or make someone understand me. Nobody wants to understand, nobody wants to beleive.

I went outside and looked at the stars and thought about things. My dad came out and we talked, we had never really done that before. He didn't try and figure out why I was sitting outside alone, we just talked. My sister and her friend came out to find me too. I let her friend and my brother who was with her walk by. My sister finally found me and dad talking and in her own way tried to show me she cared.

When I got back in the house they wanted to know what was wrong that made me go outside. It wouldn't have helped to tell them. They don't actually care, they just don't want to feel bad themselves. They mean well but I can't beleive that anyone actually cares about what's making me sad anymore. It's not fair to say they don't care, they're confused. They live life according to the past, using it as a guide to the future. This is alot like fate. A way of avoiding pain, change or decisions in the future.

I had thought I was lonely because I had nobody to talk to. There are plenty of people to talk to. I'm lonely because I can't be understood and as long as I cannot be understood I will be alone.

I can't figure it out. If I don't drink and party then I haven't lived, i'm not like everyone else? Anyone can find happiness in a bottle. I want to find true happiness and then there's her.

I loved her, love her, always will. She puzzles me, she knows that it's a road to nowhere yet she condones it all the drugs, the alcohol. She likes guys who are cute drunks and mellow stoners. What else they do doesn't matter just so long as when they're intoxicated in one form or another they're nice. She knows it's wrong, she got out, she accepts it for the way it is but at the same time she doesn't. Torn between what was, what is and what could be.

I clarified in my mind the definition of friend while I watched the night sky. Someone who cares and is there for you when you need help. Someone who tells the truth no matter what and someone who will help you see through the confusion of life and help you to see the truth.

Who I am is important to me. I will not change just to fit in and feel like I belong. I'll live alone in anguish for all of eternity before I change from the path i've chosen. All I can hope for is that one day someone will choose to accept me for who I am. Not because they have to, not because they want to feel better about themselves but because they love me. Once I have known what it is to be loved I will revise my path. Incorporte the views of the one who could love me into them. All my life I have never known anyone like me or who could accept me for who I am. I've come close I think, in kryptica. That's why I cannot give up on her. Does she want to change, does she feel how I feel? I'm not who I am or want to be, i'm what i've made myself to be to get by, to fit in. This will change now. I never wanted to accept the pain of loneliness before but now I welcome it. I do not like the pain that ravages my soul but without it i'm nothing.

Look down upon me, think me foolish for not living life like you. You don't know what life is, you can't know. Nobody can know what life is until they've found true happiness. Find it with me if you wish, but do not stop me from looking, from wanting. The search gives me hope, temporary relief from the pain.

I know that others out there know what I feel. They feel it too, I can see it in their eyes. They can't handle the pain, they've tried to find happiness before and they feel it judged them unworthy. That's not how it is, you make your own choices, live your own life. Don't be fooled into thinking it's your choice, fight it. A choice is not truly yours if you were not happy when it was made. Choosing drugs, choosing alcohol, it's just easier than dealing with the pain. Make your own choices, do what you think is right.

Sometimes I feel that I life stops and I can walk around in it but nothing changes.

So when you feel you have no control, no choices. Let go of it all. It will hurt, probably more than anything you have ever felt. Use the pain, remember love and use it too. Concentrate on yourself and the choices you have made, the real choices. If you do this you can find the strength needed. Don't sit by and wait for life to happen. Make your own life and make it what you want.

It's not your choice what other people do, you can only help them change if they want to. Let them know, tell them that you'll be there for them when they do. They feel the pain inside they just haven't figured out that it's controlling them. Be there for them, no matter what, if you love them let nothing stand in your way.

Rip the universe from it's foundation and force it to change. You have the strength within you to move the world around you so don't let it move you around.

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