While outwardly maintaining a façade of benevolence and good will, these lawn ornaments form a secret society so dark, so twisted, so sinister, that one would frantically rend apart the confines which house the brain upon learning the true horror that is the lawn gnome. When they are not guarding their turf, they leave a wooden visage as a token of warning to anyone who dares trespass in their sacred foliage. If you should happen to be blessed with the presence of a lawn gnome, run as fast as you can in the opposite direction, jumping up and down as they can tunnel beneath you before you know it.
Do not worry about such trite things as bowel control, as it is no longer as important as saving your life. If you are so unfortunate as to fall prey to the gnome, do not fight it, as it will only make matters worse; the gnome WILL kill you, and now there is nothing you can do about it. Praying will not help you, as even your immortal soul is consumed for their own dark purposes. Hope this clears things up for anyone curious about the lawn gnome.