Okay, so you didn't revise, you don't know what topics the exam covers, and you've recieved several threatening letters from your director of studies, mentioning the words baseball bat and kneecaps. But at least you can still keep your dignity, go in there with your head up high, looking death straight in the face without a care in the world.

First of all, look the part. Put on your best t-shirt and jacket. Cut your nails, have a shave, comb your hair, brush your teeth, and clean your glasses. Don't look like you just dragged yourself out of bed, and are about to die unaware of your fate. Don't look defeated. You should be proud to follow in a long running tradition.

If you think things are going worse than they are, have a quick glass of whisky or two to calm your nerves.

When you get to the exam talk loudly with all your friends about how little studying you've done, and how you'll be back here in September. Make it sound like you don't care that you've just blown £1000. 1

Once you get into the exam hall, walk in standing tall. Hang up your jacket, then take a seat right at the back. After all, you don't want people to see you walking out halfway through. Fill out all the requisite forms clearly, legibly, and in as much detail as possible. This is to make it look like you're actually doing something, and to create a good impression with the marker when they get an empty exam script handed to them.

Don't cheat in the exam. Cheating would be admitting to the exam board that you expect something for nothing. You know this isn't the case, you just can't be bothered to give them anything.

About 45 minutes into the exam, or after you've done any questions that you can coast by on prior knowlege with, walk out of the exam as quietly as possible, taking your gear and collecting your coat.

Be happy, and head off to the arcade to shoot something.

1. £1000 was the annual tuition fee at a British University at the time this node was written (c2000)

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