2 am, winter, 1997
feverish and crashing hard
the world around me comes in sinuous waves
i form the void inside to squash the cycle of darkness
(far off, a child's voice laughs, an echo)
and as i have done so many times before i light a candle
in that void
the room is freezing
so cold
-- then -- something is different, something has gone
wrong with
this 'exercise'
dark spots, moving, living spots
darkness blackens the candle, i see a shifting mass of
distilled sadness?
the Dark
light, help me.
the darkness penetrates the void, mocking the emptiness
as light illuminates a room so can Dark illuminate a
mocking the emptiness
encasing me in ice
reach for the last glimpse of the flickering light
my stomach twists
it changes again
the light is warm Warm Hot
I am hot
suddenly I am tearing at something
I don't know what or how
cobwebs made of steel
moonbeams carved from stone
they crumble at my touch, but I have touched nothing
the shrivel and melt with the heat that surges through
me, heat
like a forge fire, heat like the world burning, heat
like --

it is gone
the room is solid around me
i touch my forehead expecting beads of sweat, but there is nothing
i am alone
the phone is off the hook
trembling slightly, I replace it

3 am
paging through my address book
with a start I realize I have no true close friends
- where have they gone?
there was a time when I knew that at any hour there
were a handful
of people who would come to me, talk to me, hold me
at any hour
for any reason
as I would for them
- where have they gone?

hot water beats down on my shoulders
a torrent washing away tears I didn't know were there
it changes nothing
I return to the room
the lake shimmers with early morning fog

I form the Void inside me again
and fill it with light
this time the darkness does not come
i am the light
a single bud of a flower
only that
only the bud
i see it in every detail
smell it
feel it
every vein of every leaf, every curve of every petal
i feel the sap pulsing
feel it know it be it
i am the bud
i reach out
the bud reaches out
light pressing on the petals
my petals unfold, turning toward the light
the Light
absorbing the light
the rose and the light are one
i am the light
the circle closes
draw the light through me, gather it into me
a circle of pure light and power
wait until i am ready
nothing so arbitrary as counting
something shifts
channel the light to a purpose
make a tiny break in the circle
pour the light out

if there were a candle I could light it with a thought
if there were a breeze I could still it with a whisper
(or swirl it into a cyclone)
if there were a storm I could direct each raindrop with
a touch
or form the ground into mountains or canyons
fire air water and earth

if there were a love I could show her purest light
and share it

light is the universal

right now it is irrelevant that it has nowhere to go
that i have no-one to send it to
it is enough to be in control of it
rather than controlled
a paradox, really
I must control it, to avoid being controlled - and thus
I am controlled.

the Void is formed once more and the circle closes

breathing exercises
watching the lake

by Daniel

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