, or Martial Arts Brunch Buffet
, is a powerful, clever, and quite delicious form of melee combat*. It is best used in fights employing culinary
battle techniques as well as for early meals seating 4 to 6 guests of the non-vegetarian
Its original version was developed long ago in ancient Japan by a brunch buffet chef by the name of Ohai-yo. This skilled culinary artist grew weary of his station in life, having originally wanting to become a sumo wrestler but finding himself, 20 years later, skinny as an udon noodle and catering to the fattening up of the wrestlers instead. He grew quite envious of them, for these mighty warriors basked in the glory they received for not only their ability in the ring but for their enormous girth as well.. the very same girth that they achieved at the hand of his culinary handiwork. But the unfortunate truth is, no one compliments the cook for the talents of these obese fighters and soon Ohai-yo walked out in a frenzied huff. He left the position of being responsible for their stardom (albeit with food) and sought to work on his own.
Fortunately for Ohai-yo, the time he decided to part ways with the profession of sumo wrestler brunch chef coincided with the Not-So-Traditional Fighting Styles Tournament (the name sounds far more impressive in the original Japanese) III held in Kyoto. Many were in attendance and, in going, Ohai-yo was exposed to things outside the ken of conventional fighting techniques. Nowhere was there to be seen any forms of karate or jujitsu or, the more exotic and korean, tae kwan do. Of great interest to him was combat cooking. He participated in a couple rounds of battle and, though losing each time, found it surprisingly invigorating to incorporate his otherwise non-combat skills in the throes of a fight.
His first attempt at integrating his specifically honed culinary mastery with fighting techniques gave rise to Brunch Ninjitsu, perfecting the deadly arts of Meal Toss, Chafing Dish Style, Tea Lighting Ceremony, and Serving Utensil Throwing. This martial art form had as its specialty the ability to rely on an assortment of dishes in rapid succession, a la buffet style. Realizing that, as a Brunch Ninja, all he really did was throw food at people, Ohai-yo soon became dissatisfied with what he had developed thus far. However, with the assistance of a wandering Shaolin monk by the name of Cha Su Bao, who was not only keenly devout but wise in The Way of The Early Morning Repast, Breakfast-Fu was soon born.
Breakfast-Fu takes its cue from combat cooking in that all attacks are based on meal preparation and its serving. This leaves open to the combatants not only the use of the cooking materials and utensils used in the preparation but the meals themselves in mortal combat. Where Breakfast-Fu branches off can be found in its mastery of ballistic food tossing (particularly of dishes made with eggs and/or dairy products), the ritual-like steps in the baking of pastries as a form of an assault, as well as the specialized use of griddle, oil, and butter techniques. Other disciplines also speak to syrup and cereal maneuvers as well. As is used in combat cooking, insulting the opposing culinary warrior's skill, ingredients, recipe, and/or presentation is paramount.
For the battle involving combatants not schooled in combat cooking, one of Breakfast-Fu's underlying precepts is, of course, the enemy who cannot move because his belly is full is no longer your enemy**. In other melee situations, all that remains are the rules governing the martial art.
The main rules being:
- Attacks to the opponent can not be made without the use of a meal or cooking implement; ie, throws, punches, kicks, and all other barehanded attacks are not allowed and use of them will result in dishonor.
- Meal attacks can only be made with dishes that have as their main ingredient either eggs, some sort of dairy products, or fresh fruit. Other dishes (particularly of the more porcine origin) are allowed provided they are of the breakfast / brunch variety. All of these dishes must have been prepared by the fighter.
- In the tradition of the brunch buffet, a rapid succession of attacks or dishes is preferred. Using the same dish or attack on the same opponent twice is not looked upon favorably and deducts honor from the attacker.
- Breakfast-Fu can take place at any time (mornings preferred, naturally) provided that they are in a kitchen or a 24hour place of eating.
- The match ends when either combatant is clearly defeated and/or shouts out "CAN'T STAY - I'M LATE FOR WORK!", which is Breakfast-Fu for crying uncle.
Some martial art techniques of Breakfast-Fu:
The Merchant Orders Crispy Pastry
All-You-Can-Eat Special Attack
Powdered Sugar Mist Technique
Onslaught of The Boiling Water
Fruit Crepe Barrage
The Way Of The Sizzling Bacon
- Deadly Waffle Toss
- Stream of Silver Dollar Toss
- The Twelve Boddhistavas of The Way of The Early Morning Repast
- Buddha Greets Morning Sun With Much Cursing And Swearing
- Buddha Stumbles Into Kitchen In Half-conscious State
- Buddha Goes Back To Bed
- Buddha Finally Rolls Out Of Bed
- Buddha Contemplates Over Pre-Heated Stove
- Buddha Readies Spatula For Morning Delights
- Buddha Parts Eggs Of Their Shells And Thanks Ancestors Furtively And Solemnly
- Buddha Prepares Dish Of Three Sausage Links
- Buddha Toasts Bread Absent-mindedly
- Buddha Chars Bread, Scrapes Off Black Pieces, And Lights Incense To Hide Smoke Smell
- Buddha Prepares Spinach Omelettes Garnished With Lotus
- Buddha Settles Down To Eat With Newspaper And OJ
- Buddha Curses Ancestors Vehemently For Foul Breakfast Dishes To Wash
- Buddha Brings Garbage Out To The Curb
Ohai-yo Prepares For The Man Who Always Asks For Seconds
- Browning The Pig
- Draining The Rivers Of Molten Lard
- Crispy Eatin'
True practitioners of Breakfast-Fu are often either found amid sated opponents who can not see to getting up to move because they are so full or in the environs of a greasy and dirty, well-used kitchen. For an example of a Martial Arts Brunch Buffet battle (albeit one that took place in IRC
) go to http://www.gruntwerk.com/miller/words/elog/breakfastfu.htm
* Of course this is fictitious. Unless of course you think Ranma 1/2 is a documentary.
** I'm not taking credit for this brilliance - this is all Kensey. Thanks, man.