Confessions of A Former Vegetarian

From about the end of 1999 to the beginning of 2005, I was a vegetarian. This is funny, since I can barely spell that goddamn word. To this day, I have no idea what the hell I was thinking. Perhaps it was peer pressure, since many of my friends, (a couple of them being of the really attractive female type) didn't eat meat. Maybe I actually believed all the propaganda, or perhaps I was just looking for yet another way I could piss off my old man. Whatever the reason, I didn't eat meat. Hell, I didn't even wear leather. I began to see the folly in this about two days after I started, which is when protein shock hit me. I had to eat an entire bowl of peanuts in the cafeteria at my high school before I felt like I wasn't going to die. Than my father, being of the supportive type told me I would last about two months.

It was fun proving him wrong.

Whatever the reason, years passed, and the thought of eating meat began to repulse me. I had grown accustomed to the vegetarian lifestyle. Actually, it wasn't that big of a change for me. I had always eaten vegetables by the truck load, and I was able to find alternative means a getting protein. Than BOOM! One day, I was homeless. Try sticking with a vegetarian lifestyle during that. It just doesn't fucking work. You eat wilted lettuce day after day, when a hamburger costs just as much, and you can get lettuce on it.

"Fuck it", I screamed at my job, "I'm getting a goddamn hamburger." Now at this point, I should tell you that most of the people I work with I hung out with in high school.

Free Hamburger.

Holy Stomach Cramp.

It tasted good though. I felt my animal instincts begin to return. I felt my gut wrench into a million knots, and untie itself again, like it had so many years before, when I had stopped eating meat. I felt at one, whole with the world.

Now, if my personal story isn't enough to turn you away from thoughts of saving the poor animals, let me provide a list.

1: As human beings, we were born with canine teeth lodged firmly in our jaws. Their main function is the ripping and tearing of meat.

2: More animals are killed in thrasher mishaps, pesticide poisonings, and just over all farming stupidity every year then are killed to provide meat. Not only is that horrible enough, but these animals also play an important role in their eco-system.

3: Cows are fucking stupid, useless, and are farting away our Ozone layer. They were domesticated so far back into the past that we can't even put a date on it. They will not, and cannot co-exist with other animals in an eco-system. Chickens are crazy, and have the same problems as cows. Pigs are cool, but also useless.

4: You can, and should, eat a balanced diet of meat and not meat!

5: If you were locked in a room with a starving animal, do you think it would have second thoughts about eating you?!?

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