Oh he said it's crazy
How love stays with me
You know it hurts me
Cause I don't wanna fight this war
It's amazing to see me reading through this scene
Of love and fear
and apologies


Well, she thought, not saying it out loud
this is the difference between an explanation and an apology

Both of them were talking, but they weren't getting anywhere
She had the feeling that the conversation was spinning in circles
apparently she was the only one sinking

She had moved outside of herself by now, watching the two of them
suddenly awkward, too hurt to hold each and both of them
unable to find the right words to patch up the hurt.


He said it's crazy
How love stays with me
You know it hurts me
That I didn't figure it out before
And now it's too late for a soliloquy
way too late for dignity
It's time for apologies
apologies





italics- Grace Potter- Apologies

The night was quiet as the air started to become heavier.

My eyes started to lightly go up and down,like they are going to jump out of my eyeballs,and my brain was slowly melting in another night of hot August 1992.

We were sitting at Dora's place,together with her brother Ivan and his friend,getting ready to attend a big party in suburb of Zagreb,Croatia.

It was still war outside.

Some people were running in panic because the sirens became louder and louder.

We watched them through an open window and just laughed.

When Ivan looked at me in one moment and smiled,i felt my brain started to melt more quickly.

It was always like that when you take your first Friday's ecstasy tablet.

You feel a pleasant itch on your neck (actually probably your serotonine receptors yelling at you because they know they will be drained once again),then the temperature begins to change rapidly.

After few minutes,none of us knew that it was summer.

We were together somewhere where years and seasons were an enigma .

In our world.

Sirens started to sound like lullabies,only one irritating women's voice spoiled the whole atmosphere.

"God damn mosquitos,they're all over the house!Close the damn window!And don't play that devil's music so loud!"

Dora's mother sounded like she was having a nervous breakdown,but we got used to it.

She had a good excuse for that - outside there were hunger,poor people begging for some money on the street,people who lost their families,jobs,their lives.

We ignored that horrible outside world.It was time to leave the house and go to a big fabric basement in the suburb,to enjoy,to relax with thousands of other people who enjoyed escaping from reality.

"This ecstasy made me sky high!"-said Dora,and I believed because i saw her over-dilated pupils.

"Hell yeah!I wonder how fucked up will we be in the morning."-I said.

"Don't worry for that."-suddenly whispered Ivan in my ear.

I looked at him with a big question mark in both of my extremely big pupils,but he had that look which ordered that everything is going to be okay.


In the old basement we didn't hear the sirens anymore.Only good old school techno music and people screaming in euphoria.

A girl with pink dreadlocks accidentally bumped into me.

"Sorry!Wanna have some Red Bull?"-she looked like an angel while talking to me.

"No!!But I want to kiss you!"-I screamed,who knows why.

The girl was confused,but then suddenly she pulled my old T-shirt and our lips connected.

She left me with a can of Red Bull in my hand.

I didn't even notice the time was running.

Music and drugs made me forget about everything-my mother which probably didn't sleep during the night because I left the house without her permission(I was only sixteen years old back then),bombs which maybe fell on my house,i just didn't want to live in that world anymore.

But the rave world started to blend as the killing sun was coming up.

I felt like I am going to collapse.

My serotonine levels were empty and things started to lose their color,their magic.

But someone gently took my hand and pulled me to the toilet.

I thought it was Dora because she took three pills and she was still high,but a face i saw on the neon toilet light suprised me.

It was Ivan.

"Come with me,I see you don't feel pretty well."

"Is it that obvious?"- I tried to be funny but actually felt like shit.

He,suprisingly,looked like he is in heaven.But his eyepupils weren't big like mine or Dora's.

They were small like little bugs on a big beautiful blue carpet.

He told me not to look for few minutes.

I was shaking from excitement.

What is this?What is going to happen now?What is he on?

"You gotta know what this is.If you don't want it just say,I'm just trying to make your down a bit more painful"-he said with a weird peace in his voice showing a shiny needle and some brownish-yellow liquid thing.

I knew it was heroin .

I knew what heroin can do to a person.I just didn't care.

This down was too painful for me,my eyes were so tired,and I felt I'll never manage to get some sleep because of that irritating butterflies in my stomach,neck and legs.

"Okay,but please can you...umm...can you put the needle in my arm?I don't like needles."

He smiled again.I felt my heart started to beat harder.

Then,I've felt a tiny sting,and for few seconds something started to change.

From little hyperactive freak I started to feel like the most beautiful person on the world.

I was suddenly beautifully tired.I kissed Ivan and wiped some blood off my arm with a tissue.


It was a damn hot morning and we were back to Dora's.

She felt awful,she was almost vomiting from the amount of ecstasy she took last night.

Ivan held my hand under a silky blanket in Dora's room.

His friend was sleeping on the floor.

"Ana,your mother called two times and said you should get home soon.

It seems like those motherfuckers threw a bomb near your house-I didnt quite understand your mother..JESUS!..What the hell is that on your hand?"-Dora's mother asked me,showing on the place i shoved a needle few hours ago,nervous as usual.

"Just a mosquito .There's alot of them in the house."-I lied.

"Damn mosquitos,I told you kids to close the damn windows!They're everywhere!"

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