Yet another easy-to-understand tour guide for the flower-shirted, camera-clutching pale devils of Yankee land

Hong Kong is a slimy pit. It is bar none, the richest city in Asia. With money, you will survive. Everyone will try to rip you off. Bring lots of money. No, not in cash.

Ride the famed metro of Hong Kong to your hotel! Not one accident in decades! Price? US$15. For good exchange rates, go to the disreputable looking money-changers, sitting in their booths with a sly grin. They won't rip you off! No, really! Beware the Triads. These machete-wielding chiggers will try to mug you. If you shout "Jackie Chan is here!", they will all flee in terror.

Hong Kong is more polluted than Shanghai, therefore I recommend a full gas mask, or better yet, a bubble-suit. The toxic fumes of Kowloon will drive the newly arrived tourist to a quick death. For a better view, take the cable car to the Peak and watch the smog and pollutants rise in the hot air. What scenery!

Never take public transportation between 7-9am and 5-7pm. You will die a painful death by crushing.

Enjoy the famous Hong Kong cuisine! Get some dog stew, or cat and fish roast! Fetus soup can be obtained in the Southern islands. Everything is game! Nothing is safe. Not even the rats. Bon appetite!

Witness the blatant daylight robbery in Hong Kong's several shopping districts! The cunning salespeople hypnotize the patrons with their dazzling wares, then proceed to rip them off. Go on, stare at the goods. Feel the euphoria enter your body.... 12 hours later, you have sub-par crap in your hotel room and your wallet is empty. Mmmm, consumerism....

Hong Kong is a major pornography / prostitution center of Asia. You will find anything that might catch your fancy here. Enter the Red Light District! Take the subway to Mongkok, and enjoy the services. Beware the sleazy pimp, the Triad thugs, and avoid the Japanese sex tours. Afterwards, cajole with the Brit community.

When you're done in this ubermetropolis, fly to Bangkok for more innocent fun!

If you haven't realized it yet, this is sarcasm.

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