The Ugly Dolphin

An Attempt at Satire

Francisco, the waiter, approaches a lone male diner. The diner has just walked in and sat down, he plays absently with an unlit cigarette while he peruses the menu.

Francisco : Hello sir, how are you?
Diner : Fine, and you?
Francisco : Fabulous, my name is Francisco, I’ll be your server, can I start you off with a drink?
Diner : Please, I’ll have a coffee black, and a double shot of Chivas.
Francisco : Very good, I’ll be right back then.

Francisco exits to get the drinks from the bar, while he is gone the Diner glances around suspiciously, staring at a curious couple at a table nearby, he nods at them with trepidation. Francisco returns with the drink order.

Francisco : Your drinks sir, glancing at the cigarette, pointing Sir? You are in the non-smoking section. Would you like to move to smoking?
Diner : Excuse me? realizes the cigarette in his hand Ohh yeah. No, this is fine. I don’t smoke. Diner downs the double Chivas at once, softly lays the glass aside.
Francisco : But sir? The cigarette in your hand?
Diner : It’s just for show, they’re watching me.
Francisco : Sir? Who’s watching you?
Diner : The tobacco companies. They’re watching you too.
Francisco : I don’t understand? Why are the tobacco companies watching us?
Diner : They won’t be happy until we’re all dead. They hound me at home, telling me I must smoke, that I must inhale this...this hellfire exhaust. The eyes in their billboard ads follow the cars down our highways, taking down license numbers of non smokers, using the clout of the Republicans pauses...very serious they’re in bed you know.
Francisco : Who’s in bed.
Diner : The Republicans and the tobacco companies. Silk sheets. Anyway, using the Republicans to find us in our bedrooms, to threaten our lives. And I’ll tell you what else, very sinister they want most to kill the children, little Bobby and Elizabeth, hesitates, smiles, and the dolphins of course, the tobacco companies hate dolphins.
Francisco : flustered I don’t know if I...
Diner : What’s your special tonight?
Francisco : It’s a smoked Mahi Mahi.
Diner : Indeed

Dirk Randall Nykamp

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