Oh fuck a pig with Thor's hammer, I'm spoilt for choice on this one.

Yano how I wrote about the ten geekiest metal songs ever, and how if you're a metal band you can get a field full of overweight, oversexed, overbearing drunkards thrashing about to songs based on Warhammer 40k or Galactus or even arsing Nintendo games? Well, for the same reason you can do this, music videos like the following are made. Enjoy. They are all silly beyond belief and all totally rule.

10. Blind Guardian, "This World Is Sacred"

In one two-word sentence: ORCS MOSHING. Specifically, computer generated orcs moshing in a computer generated hall while a computer-generated version of the band performs on stage, like it's a cut scene from a video game. Which it is. Because this song, and the video to it, were released as part of the game "Sacred 2 - Fallen Angel." And they weren't just bundled with it - they were integrated into it in that you see the virtual band performing digitally live as a reward for completing a side quest involving returning the band members' instruments to them. But even with the high production values in today's gaming, it still looks a bit, well, plasticky and silly, and Hansi Kuersch's mouth doesn't open far enough, and Frederic Ehmke's cymbals always crash in exactly the same way...

9. Kreator, "Hordes of Chaos"

Because it's like a Boris Vallejo painting come to life and ends with a freeze frame of this well built barbarian chappie standing heroically atop a pile of the corpses of his dismembered enemies while a well-jugged blonde sits at his feet admiringly. I still go "oohhhh!" in admiration when some poor enemy (who only comes at the hero one at once) gets his hand chopped off in slow motion. Additional ridiculousness points are awarded for the 300-style insistence on everything being in alternate slow and fast motion.

8. Rhapsody, "Holy Thunderforce!"

You know this is going to be a good one as it opens with a troll reading from a book in black and white and slow motion. Then it explodes into a wide-angle shot of a German castle and the band all in big shirts shredding away furiously behind this squadron of LARPers. The LARPing is all in slow motion and fast motion alternatively and there's context shots of tankard-wielding wenches doling out ale and someone being dubbed a knight and so forth. Verily, my friends, let us go forth and join the SCA that we may emulate these fine examples of humanity. (...fine examples of humanity? Who am I trying to kid?!)

7. Satyricon, "Mother North"

The whole purpose of this video is to allow an alarmingly young-looking Scandinavian porno star called Monica Braten the opportunity to float about in a very thin white gown while Satyr and Frost set things on fire and stare into the camera with strange expressions on their faces. In slow motion. In a forest. While wearing costumes involving leather and carpentry nails. Oh, and the video opens with the title in Gothic script (natch) as, in slow motion, one of the band smashes a crucifix with a hammer (har, har). I'm sure that when this was sold as a VHS tape, it was only to people who weren't old enough to get themselves Monica Braten's other works.

6. Dimmu Borgir, "Progenies of the Great Apocalypse"

This video makes no sense. In it, Shagrath, he of the giant eyebrows, prances around in what looks like the set of Alien with all those chains dangling down while Galder and Silenoz headbang in slow motion, Nick Barker, covered in stage blood, leers into the camera while pulling on a trio of chained naked slave girls, and Mustis plinks away at a keyboard dressed up like a pipe organ made of bones while nuclear explosions go off in the background. Oh yeah! What it's about nobody knows. It's just an excuse to have REALLY BIG EXPLOSIONS and NAKED GIRLS and so forth. (Is it just me, or wouldn't REALLY BIG EXPLOSIONS and NAKED GIRLS be brilliant names - and concepts - for reality TV shows?) I think the defining moment's when the clean vocal start as these ICBMs rain down in slow motion in the background.

5. Hecate Enthroned, "Ode for a Haunted Wood"

It's filmed in a forest. The band members are wandering around it trying to look evil, especially the one with the big hood. This is dispelled by the fact that the forest in question is a bit threadbare looking. And the silver goblet that's waved around like it's some sort of mocked up Satanic ritual gives off pink smoke. And they clearly got that Baphomet flag from one of their bedroom walls. And every so often there's this slow motion blurred shots of the forest canopy as they wander about in it. It is, however, lacking - no swords or gratuitous nudity, and there is some semblance of a budget, which keeps it out the top of the charts. Still, funnier than a vegetable that's grown into a rude and amusing shape.

4. Ancient, "Lilith's Embrace"

The only video on this list that I can work out what's going on in it, as it seems to be based on the origin story to Vampire: the Masquerade. I think Kaiaphas (rocking leather trousers, a big shirt, corpse paint, and plastic vampire fangs) is meant to be Cain, and Kimberley Goss (who bears the same facial expression as Princess Leia did in the Star Wars Holiday Special) is meant to be Lilith, and he lunches up on her arm, and there's lots of extreme close ups of his face, and prancing around in the dark by torchlight, and low-budget theatrics, and HOLY FREAKING SALUBRI BATMAN THERE'S A MAN IN GREEN FACE PAINT PERFORMING CUNNILINGUS ON THE INVISIBLE WOMAN! It's like they gave the band the props box and told them to get on with it. Except that actually happened. Seriously. I think.

3. Rhapsody, "Rain of a Thousand Flames"

Standing around in a forest? Check. Unconvincing computer graphics? Check. Slow motion bits? Check. Swords? Check. Gratuitous nudity? Check. Context shots of Neuschwanstein Castle to try and make it look "epic"? Check. Erm... a magical duel between Alex Staropoli and a latex-clad blonde with a nipple piercing in which you half expect them to have numbers flying out their heads like a battle in a console RPG? Check. Bad acting by band members? Oh, check. Erm... what more could anyone reasonably require? A few close-up shots of blood gushing forth from wounds? Oh, wait... er, check. Yeah, this is pretty freakin' ridiculous and thus totally recommended.

2. Cradle of Filth, "From the Cradle To Enslave"

Rhapsody and Ancient tried their best with limited resources, but to make something this silly requires a semifamous indie-film director (Alex Chandon) and a significant budget. This video makes no sense (like a lot of the other videos on this list.) It seems to involve the band in an abandoned church (except with this deformed head looking down on them from the wall) in rather alarming leather and latex costumes (not to mention Dani Filth's moobs being on show) while strange things happen to the band members one at a time, like Gian Pyras getting tied up in chains by a pair of women who expose to him their undercarriage then wrap him up while he's looking at said undercarriage, or Paul Allender getting his throat cut by Elizabeth Bathory wielding a razor blade stamped "Made in England" between her teeth. Then there's the fact that every so often we're ominously aware of dwarves wearing the torture masks from Terry Gilliam's "Brazil" running around. Seriously. Oh. And one of the dwarves gives birth to itself, or seems to. And another has an arse for a face. I think the creative process went something like this: "What do metalheads like?" "Sex and violence!" "Yes! Cut, print, and build, and I'll see the result on my desk next week." But alarmingly, this pales into insignificance beside what has to be the most ridiculous video in metal ever.

1. Immortal, "Call of the Wintermoon"

Because to make something this totally ridiculous and unintentionally pant-wettingly funny cannot be done no matter how big your budget. No, that requires no budget whatsoever. Made the afternoon immediately before it was due to be shown on Norwegian television, this low budget masterpiece speaks for itself, not least due to the pointless pointy witches' hat worn by Abbath, the gurning, and the prancing around in the forest pretending to be a troll. Surely, you think upon seeing this, they can't be serious. They are. Someone, somewhere, thought this was a good idea. Especially the standing in awkward positions in an alcove in some ruins trying to look evil. Every Immortal video - nay, every black metal video - nay, every metal video ever has tried to replicate the silliness of this number. All have failed. Miserably. And if you think this is stupid, then the secrets of the raven god of Blashrykh at the heart of winter shall remain to you forever closed. Begone!

And there we have it. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go to the forest to practice my slow-motion swordfighting in leather and spikes while a large-breasted maid looks on approvingly and unconvincing computer graphics go off all around me and breathes fire. Back in a moment!

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