Obituary Column

Common Sense (a.k.a. "so not 'duh'")

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

The Early Years

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies, including the old standard "Don't spend more than you can earn."

His reliable strategies included "Adults, not children, are in charge." Sadly, the declining popularity of this once-popular tune has relegated it to the shelves of collectors of vinyl; it fizzled sometime during the 1970's, and has not been re-issued on CD.

He Cared For Children

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place:

Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;

Teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do with regard to unruly children.

His health declined all the more as the irony emerged that schools, while being required to receive parental consent to administer disinfectant, band-aids and UV-protective lotion to students, yet were mandated not to inform parents if a student became pregnant and wanted an abortion.

Other Important Issues he Championed

Common Sense lost the will to live on the realization that The Ten Commandments have become contraband; Churches have become businesses and PACs; and Criminals now enjoy better healthcare and general nutrition that many of their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when a burglar entered a home and was attacked by the homeowner in an attempt to defend himself and his family. This probably doesn't sound like something that would harm common sense; the fact that the burglar pressed assault charges, and prevailed, was what got our old friend. The icing on this cake was that the burglar also prevailed in a civil suit.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by His parents, Truth and Trust; His wife, Discretion; His daughter, Responsibility; and His son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

DISCLAIMER: This writeup contains no direct sources for some of the anecdotal incidents set forth hereinabove, and the writer admits that some of the more outrageous examples of Political Correctness gone too far are single instances and may have been exaggerated by re-telling. Careful attention, however, to the pipelinks will reveal that a lot of support for this writer's stance is contained right here at good ole' E2. This is meant to be a humorous social commentary, nothing more. Offer void where prohibited or regulated by law. The user assumes all responsibility for loss or damage due to the use of this writeup. Photocopies not valid.

UPDATE: it's taking a while to sort the hate-mail messages (as well as messages in support) in my message inbox by topic, at which time, in the interest of objectivity, I will reveal their contents. Right now, topic headings include: DO YOU BEAT YOUR CHILDREN, TOO?, I GUESS YOU'VE NEVER SUFFERED THE TRAUMA OF BEING VICTIMIZED, I GUESS YOU'VE NEVER SUFFERED THE TRAUMA OF BEING IN PRISON, I GUESS YOU'VE NEVER SUFFERED THE TRAUMA OF CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE, and my favorite: YOU MAY KNOW YOUR RIGHTS BUT HAVE YOU TAUGHT THEM TO AN ILLITERATE ILLEGAL ALIEN TODAY?

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