Lying in my hospital bed, spine fractured, paralysis looming, I thought things were about as bad as they were going to get. That's when the two ugly nurses came onto the ward, one carrying a bottle, the other a sponge and a towel. Now people might give me stick for writing about ugly people, but sometimes you just have to accept that someone is almost upsetting to look at. They both appeared very similar, but to this day I don't believe a set of parents can be unfortunate enough to have twins like that. These women were just wrong. Each one's face was like a really fat person's arse squeezed into a pair of tight, polythene pants. Think 'melted welly.'

Still, I knew that if I didn't make the bottle the catheter was waiting. It would be messy, but when you are in hospital you can check your dignity at the door. I thought I would manage, but then they had the curtain around me, one stood on each side of the bed and then one of them said, "Just look towards the pretty one."

Which way to turn?

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