copyright Katie Couric 2000. Doubleday. Children's picture book. 48 pages.

Oh, Katie Couric, I thought I could trust you. Your two Emmys, your Glamour Magazine's Woman of the Year Award, your untarnished journalistic honor, your tireless dedication to your craft. Of all the newsanchors, I thought Katie Couric was surely among the top candidates to write a whimsical yet touching children's book. If Katie Couric can't enthrall the youthful readers of America, surely no other member of today's popular media can. Katie Couric, please tell me, why is your book such a
gigantic piece of shit?

Things Katie Couric Should Have Been Told:

1.   It is not mandatory for children's literature to rhyme. I SWEAR IT'S TRUE!

1A.   Should you find rhyming absolutely too alluring a gimmick to avoid ("I'll rhyme Poodle with Strudel! Kids will love it! Look - it even scans!") - by fuck, you had better stick to the plan. If you are going to pull this "strudel-poodle-locker-soccer" shit on me, don't try to slip in "friend-fit in."   "Fit in" does not rhyme with "friend." It doesn't. You did it wrong, Katie Couric. You lose. Kids are not stupid. They will catch this, like I caught it. But they will hate you more.

2.   Don't write a book about kids being mean to a new classmate. It's been done. Kids are not stupid. They do not care that you are on the news and they do not want the same book rewritten over and over in progressively more boring incarnations.

2A.   ("But I feel artistically driven to write it. This story is simply begging to be born!")   Ok. But be sure to make the old kids hate the new kid for something worse than "being really blonde and having really pink lips."

2B.   ("Um, well, I kind of already wrote. . . ")   Jesus Christ, Katie Couric. All right. But don't, please don't have one kid befriend the sad and lonely new kid and then suddenly everybody starts playing together and having a wonderful time all precious-moments style.

2C.   ("It could happen!")   Yeah, ok. But promise me one thing, Katie Couric. Promise me the big emotional turnaround of the book will NOT come about when one of the mean kids sees a single tear hovering plaintively in the eye of the new kid's mom. Swear on a stack of Bibles, Katie Couric, you bastard. Kids are not stupid and they are very good at saying "yeah, whatEVER" and shutting the book.

3.   The word "swell" is no longer in common usage, except as a verb.

3A.   ("Some people still say it!")   No they do not.

3B.   ("What if I use it in an ironic sense?")   You may not.

3C.   ("But - but I couldn't think of anything else that rhymed with ' well!')   SHUT THE HELL UP KATIE COURIC.

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