Table Of Contents

Chapter VI - Body Insults

One of the simplest, crudest and yet most effective topic of insults is the human body. The body provides for a wide spectrum of insults, from the elegant "You have really weird hands," to the devastating "You have really weird ears." There is not one uninsultable bone in the the body (except for, perhaps, the Insula), although of course some parts stand out as particularly vulnerable targets.

i) The Penis

Probably the most insultable male body part. A penis insult by a man is good, by a woman, better, and when wielded by a girlfriend / wife (current or ex-) it is a formidable power. Of course, it is not necessary to have actually seen the penis in question, but if you have seen it, remember to add, "and I know what I'm talking about," at the end of the insult.
Now, girlfriends and wives, I must remind you - just because you love him doesn't mean that you shouldn't comment about how small his penis is in mixed company. Of course, any man who truly loves you will understand the joy it brings you to insult him and will in fact encourage you to insult his penis in social gatherings. Naturally, any occasion is a penis-insult occasion, but some frequently occuring situations are summed up here:

For girlfriends:

  • Upon first seeing a man's penis remark: "Is that all of it?"
  • When having breakfast with his parents say, "By the way, John, is your cock supposed to bend that way?" (It doesn't matter what his name is).
  • When seeing a man's uncircumcised penis say, "A circumcised penis is so much more aesthetic."
  • When seeing a man's circumcised penis say, "I wish you had an uncircumcised penis - you could do with the extra width at the tip."

For women:

For men:

And a note for Jewish men: keep telling yourself it's because it's circumcised.

ii) The Breast

For men - the breast is an object of desire. It is the first part of the woman they see and the first one they talk about. For women, the breast is a neurosis. Just as men are insecure about their penises, women are insecure about their breasts. That is why women can be subdivided into two groups:

  1. Women who are concerned that their breasts are too big,
  2. Women who are concerned that their breasts are too small.

Upon approaching a group 1 woman, appraise her breasts, look her in the eye and say, "Shit, bitch, you've got flabby motherfucking boobs!"
Upon approaching a group 2 woman, appraise her breasts, or lack, thereof, and say, "Madam, I think you may have misplaced your tits."

iii) Other body parts

Basically, there is no reason to insult any body part other than the penis or breast, as these are the most prominent (or not) parts. There are other body areas worth insulting, and these are, in order of importance:

  1. the butt
  2. the stomach
  3. the eyes
  4. the nose
  5. the ears
  6. the legs
  7. the arms
  8. the hands
  9. the feet
  10. the Insula

Perhaps the butt should be given its own chapter, but it won't. Suffice to say that the word 'Butt' and the word 'man' when put side by side make 'Buttman'.

iv) General body insults

Too fat ; too skinny ; too tall ; too short ; too hairy ; balding ; too ugly ; too wrinkled ; too scarred ; too scabby ; too sweaty ; too light-skinned ; too dark-skinned ; having nervous ticks ; having a runny nose ; having bitten-off fingernails ; having bitten-off toenails ; smelly ; unclean ; unshaven ; dandruffed - which one are you?

Back to Chapter V - Intelligence Insults . . . Forward to Chapter VII - Racial Insults

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