This node is a spoiler of The tale of Stumpy Bob. Go read that first. Then come back here, and cook ...

Stumpy Bob's Special Chicken

Stumpy Bob's Special Chicken requires an intimate knowledge of the recipient of the meal. You shouldn't expect to be able to make it in, say, a restaurant.


The unrequited love of the diner
Finding the unrequited love of the person you are feeding can be difficult. If one doesn't exist, create one. If the diner is a relatively unloved man (the best type to feed this dish to), you can create an unrequited love by going to a bus station in a large city, and waiting for a teenage girl running away from home to arrive. Like many a pimp, offer a place to stay, good food, and money. Ask her but one favor - to flirt innocently with your target, giving him looks with twinkling eyes. Give her a perfume with a slight hint of coriander. After your target fixates on her, you have your prime ingredient.
Walk in Freezer
You'll need a place to store ingredient number one.
A recipe for pork
We recommend Pork Tenderloin with Onion.
  1. Once you have acquired the unrequited love, you must slay here quickly. Make sure she isn't frightened (you don't want a gamy flavor), nor should you use a poison. Be sure not to disturb her facial features. We recommend a massage to relax her, followed by a baseball bat to the back of the head.
  2. Prepare cuts of meat. Be careful not to use any flesh that would be exposed, or anything from the front half of the body. While the breasts might be especially tasty, you'll need those for later. Each cut should be individually wrapped, sprinkled with a dash of coriander and flash frozen.
  3. Dress the love in something modestly flirtatious. Mist her lightly with water, then freeze her in an upright position. You'll need to have a place in your walk-in freezer where she can be discreetly stored.
  4. Repetitive step: Using your chosen recipe, prepare an individual serving of "special chicken." Using the same recipe, prepare one for yourself, using pork or chicken as the base. Invite the target for dinner. Repeat over time. Make sure there are visual cues that will remind the target of their unrequited love.
  5. Move the frozen corpse of the unrequited love into a prominent place in the freezer. Invite the target over. WHen they arrive, explain that you are running late, and that there will be a special guest tonight - their love. Could they please grab three chicken breasts from the freezer?
  6. Run.

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