The Horrors of Pollock Halls
This is my survival guide to ]Pollock Halls], 1st-year student's Halls of Residence, University
of Edinburgh, Scotland. Fully known as Pollock Halls of Residence.
Prepare to enter the world of survival accommodation. From the moment you pulled up on that sunny
October morning, to be confronted by the beaming faces of your two thousand fellow hall-mates, your brain
(and liver) will have been a maelstrom of activity, vainly trying to replace that which it has drunkely
Lectures have passed by like so many turds in a sewer, and you could fill Teviot with the number of random
folk who have carried you home. It is hard to believe, but it will eventually calm down. However, as life at
Pollock begins to settle into a steady rhythm, you will begin to sense that something sinister lurks beneath
its glossy outer shell. And you will start to wonder, was that squirrel really looking at me
The Rooms - From the exposed plumbing of Brewster to the hotel-like delights of Masson, there are still some things that will make you all the same. Such as having the shit scared out of you when some random
wifey bursts into your spinning sanctuary, unnecessarily informing you for the fifth time that week that she
is just 'emptying your bin'. Their ubiquitous response to your pathetic moans of protest will be a cheery
'well if you don't want disturbed, leave it outside. Fine and well until some random sod steals it.
Beware: open windows are a magnet for loose-bowelled squirrels.
The Corridors - 'Any old iron, any old iron, any any any old iron'. Too bloody right.
Unless you fancy wrestling with an oversized element plus plug, you should nick your parent's steam
powered monster. A toaster may be a good idea as well, though make sure you keep all these things safely in
your room, for obvious reasons. The Microwaves may look like the first ever prototype models, but they at
Cooking is often a waste of time - and leaving dishes in the sink will serve no purpose other than
letting future archaeologists know that there once was a Pantry here. Unless of course you are willing to
(choke!) wash them... Jars of coffee left in the cupboards will go missing faster than you can say 'squirrel
with a caffeine addiction'.
Survival tip: If God had really meant us to iron, he'd have made it a shedload easier. Be creased
The Houses - You slowly start to smile as the curtain blows back to reveal the striking sight of
Elle McPherson, Cameron Diaz and Tamzin Outhwaite lying half naked on a red silken bed. You barely blink an
eye as their three lithe bodies gravitate towards you, and then...
WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH!!!!!!
Aaaaaaaaaargh, your world of fantasy is dissolved as your startled body, propelled by evil forces it
can't understand, only hear, throws on some random items of clothing before joining its fellow unfortunate
fire alarm victims in the sub-arctic air.
Furiously fatigued faces scan the crowds for those choking on burnt pieces of toast, a sniggering
bushy-tailed rodent, or those trying to conceal a smoking hairdryer in ANY way they can. Worse still, a much
pissed-off Fire Fighter informs you that some TWAT has set it off deliberately. No wonder they let you shiver
for so long.
Survival tips: Coming in at three/four/five a.m. shall miss you most of them (lectures and fire
If you are evacuated, don't wait: seek immediate shelter in some other house (unless of course it was a
The Halls - Perhaps the greatest challenge to a new fresher at Pollock is coping with the alarming
realization that their loan will not stretch to cover both rent and nightly Pizza Hut deliveries.
Hence it will be with a weary heart that you drag your emaciated frame to the JMC to make the
excruciating choice between Hungarian Lamb 'Ghoul'ash and a Potato Longboat scary enough to make Hagar the
Horrible hang up his horned helmet.
Mmm mmm tasty good. Controversial studies have shown that it is possible to survive on Pollock food - the
Salad bar has some fairly decent stuff, while you can rarely go wrong with a baked tattie. On the whole there
is always something that will at least sate if not interest you, but if the worst comes to the worst the Moon
Bar's pizzas are pretty good and won't sting your pocket too badly.
Survival tips: Make it to breakfast. And help yourself to plenty of rolls.
Go to tea early, it's quieter and the food tastes better.
Leave dinner until Neighbours finishes and you are just plain daft.
Experts are in general agreement that squirrels don't thrive on Dairylea and Hovis biscuits[, so leave
JMC Bar (upstairs above canteen) does some good lunches.
The Top Five hidden treasures of Pollock Halls
- The maintenance area behind the Moon Bar (where all the stolen traffic cones/ road signs/ bus shelters end
- The Moon Bar staff leaving the pool tables unlocked.
- Nice Floodlit picknicking/ drinking area behind Holland House C.
- The free squash courts (ask at microlab).
- The underground weapons lab.