The day that left me without words.

Usually I know when to speak and when to hold my tongue. I tend to have enough self-possession to be able to work that out. That was not so last Friday. My second cousin died on 3 November 2006, and the funeral was on the Friday just gone.

But as I stood in my coat and scarf, waiting for the hearse, in the over-heated and crowded front room, holding my late cousin's mother, I didn't know if I should speak, and if I should speak, what to say. All I wanted was to be comforting, and my mind was blank. With my grief, with hers. She cried, and wept that she was letting the side down, and all that I could do was shake my head and mutter was that it was all right to do that, it is all right to weep and crumple on the day that you have to bury your child.

I am still searching for the right words. No parent should have to bury their child.

A day that left me without words or stability in my thought pattern.

I was glad the cigarettes could mask her scent and taste.

It was a cold, earth shattering walk home. I didn’t know why I left. I felt like I had to. I felt like everything between us in the past three months led up to this moment.

Three months ago.

Three hours ago.

It was all perfect. From a dream. Though I cant say it felt that way since I came back. It was all forced. It was trying to replicate what was felt before. Maybe she didn’t know it wasn’t working. I don’t think she did. All that matters now is that I did. I still do. Everything, every reason why I was all so perfect was rendered into nothingness; a stain on my hindsight. I had never felt what she gave me.

I left her like I did last time – passed out in a drunken sleep, naked, helpless.

"Don’t leave me"

Were the last things she said before I left her apartment. That was thirty minutes ago. She hasn’t called. Tomorrow I go back to Santa Cruz. I was supposed to go with her at 12. I can go with my roommates at 4. There is an alternative. This, I feel, should tell me something.

All she wanted tonight was for me to pleasure her. Every which way, all which would give me nothing in return. She lied. She said she would return favors; and she never did. I had never seen her look so lifeless in all of the times I’ve fucked her. Practically asleep. It was the epitomy of the subconscious motives of the relationship. The only thing she wanted was for me to make her feel good. About herself, about her life. I could do that. I wasn’t like anyone she had ever been close to.

Yesterday I gave her my phone. The wallpaper was us embracing each other.

Today I saw she changed it. To her fucking cat. This should have told me something. Though I feel, deep down, it already did at the time.

But I was forgiving. Who would want to claim they’re involved with a guy two years younger than them? A college freshman!

A guy who’s words slip in front of him, his awkwardly graceful stature.

No, she would never claim me as hers, not publicly.

Yesterday she spoke of marriage.

Tonight she brought it up again. She said I loved her. She said I’m going to marry her. They were all one-sided statements.

This, too, should have told me something.

This must be the end. She’s transferring. Her life will get back on track, maybe. I need this. I need this to fade away, I need to reclaim myself.

The question is, if I have enough power in myself to do so.

If I really did, I would turn off my phone, and not turn it back on until tomorrow night.

If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have left her house tonight.

Maybe its all too much. Maybe I will be “with” her again tomorrow. Maybe in the next fucking five minutes.

I have never felt this way before. I don’t know what I am feeling exactly. What I am realizing is that I don’t know who she is.


I love her. When she called me this morning I could hear the tears in her voice. She just wanted to see me. She wanted to make sure things were ok as much as I did. We talked about her drunkenness and everything that wasn’t meant to be said.

Dad and I walked along the water.

He talked about the divorce

And how he wouldn’t be home for thanksgiving.

Its ok. I realized he and I can relate more than I thought.

Before, a couple of days ago, I never thought I could reach this point.

Such happiness

Such appreciation for the people in my life.

...and everyone in between.

I need to remember this.

Because this is something like a milestone.

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