Yesterday I returned my library books after saying goodbye to my youngest daughter when I dropped her off at school. When I asked her what was wrong she told me she was hungry. I asked why she didn't eat breakfast and she said there was no butter for her oatmeal. There is no butter and there never will be butter again. Sorry Jane, but when two out of your three family members can't have butter, we're not going to buy it anymore. I went to bed at a reasonable time last night and let myself sleep in after my alarm went off. My plan had been to get up at six and go to Bible class at 6:30, but I laid back down instead. I had two weird dreams. One about a guy who lived across the hall, another about me and some other women shopping and going to a restaurant where a guy entertained us. I kept trying to write down his number, but whenever it was given to me I couldn't understand it or it didn't make sense. We took an expensive SUV home, ran out of gas, and ended up in a bad neighborhood. A man in a small rusty black pickup truck stopped us and told us we were running out of gas, he had several cocker spaniels in his truck, he was doing us a favor he said. I tried to think of where the closest gas station was, my mom was driving, but she wasn't the mom I had in real life.

I sent my therapist a text asking when I could get in to see her. She has a habit of shuffling patients around. I try to realize that she's busy and has cancellations and other people have scheduling issues, but it's still frustrating. The woman I cleaned for on Friday gave me ten bucks to take her in to the chiropractor. I would have done it for free, but she insisted which I thought was classy. We took my car even though we could have taken hers. Every week I don't have the girls I think about what I want to get done. This week I'm focusing on taking care of myself and relaxing. I picked up some things while I was on the phone with my aunt and then my sister. I felt like my sister was avoiding me, my aunt said she was withdrawing, I had reached out before, but she hadn't answered my texts so I decided to call instead. She didn't answer, but then called me back not long after I left my message. Pregnancy is hard on her. She's working a lot of long hours, she had a bad case of bronchitis that keeps lingering. She's a nurse practitioner so she works with sick people on a daily basis. She sounds like she needs a long bath, a nice light meal with some homemade soup, and about twenty hours of uninterrupted sleep. 

After I went to the chiropractor I drove downtown to buy a birthday present for my friend down in Tennessee. Today I regret that. This isn't working and I feel like I let him talk me back into something that I know isn't what I want and need. There are a lot of ways to describe people. I could say that he's a hard working reporter or I can say that he's a workaholic who isn't communicating his burn out to his boss because he doesn't see a point in standing up for himself. I sent him a couple of text messages, the one he sent back said that he was still working. Maybe he's truly that busy. I know there's a lot to be done, but I want more than that out of a long distance relationship. I'm a really positive person and I need others to appreciate and notice the things I'm doing for them. He's controlling in a weird way and I don't like that either. There's a lot I like about him, but this is reminding me of being married and not the good parts either. It was always me having to try and build him up after a long day, week, month, year, it was me having to do whatever I had to get done without acknowledgment or support, it's their dramas and bullshit and problems of their own creation, and I'm done. I haven't decided how to inform him, but I'm going to do it today. The sooner I break off this the sooner I can start grieving and moving forward.

On a happier note I'm happy that I was able to get a lot of sleep. I'm a morning person, I feel so much better when I can get up first thing in the morning and get my day off to a good start. I've missed that lately. Treating myself to enough sleep is something I want to be doing every night. I haven't set a bedtime for myself, but I'm going to think about what time I want to be in bed and what time I will naturally wake up if my bedtime is at a more ideal time. I was really tired when I went to bed last night which was a great feeling. It's nice to be able to go to the store and buy food that I know is good for my body. I need people to talk to who are going to do more for me. If that sounds selfish consider that's what I'm doing for others when I'm talking to them. It's a lot of work at times, but I believe that others deserve that in their lives. I try to do it for my children, I tried to do it for my ex, I do it for my family and friends, I do it to people I'm talking to for the first time and I want someone to be doing this for me when I'm on the phone with them. I want more, I need more, I deserve more. Long distance relationships are just not for me. I wouldn't mind if someone was an hour or two away, but I want the closeness you can't get from someone who is eight and a half hours away. I feel depressed after writing this, but I'm glad I got it out of my system. Going to have a chill day today, just lay around and relax, I can't wait... 

don't node drunk
i am eating myself up
crying in bars and making waffles with you

strawberry coconut cream, ladling
dreams out for you, i am nourished
in your arms and a thousand
other things

the first sincere smile i ever saw, you
woke me so feather light i felt as though
i was really a girl. honest,
you have me so completely my
bones have begun to soften; i have
never bruised so easily.

you terrify, you scourge, you
take me to dinner and you didn't compliment
my dress and you didn't tell me i was pretty
but you held my hand and danced with me
in your living room and i left my blue
bow on your desk on purpose.

i somehow know,
i really know,
that you will leave me
with coals for eyes,

hot and burning,


i was never one to not see it
out to the bitter end.

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