Breaking up with someone on their birthday is probably not the best exit strategy. I probably could have handled it better, but he wouldn't tell me when his birthday was and then when I sent him a Happy Birthday text he jokingly told me I had the wrong day. I didn't know it was a joke. I didn't find it funny. He called both numbers twice and I ignored him both times. I sent him a text telling him I was furious when he asked if I was mad. It's probably more me than him, but I went through way too many years of marriage where someone was elusive and evasive to feel comfortable with anyone who has to fuck with my mind about something as simple as when their birthday is. I really liked him. I'm really going to miss him. I spent a lot of yesterday crying and listening to sad cello music. Today I'm in a much better mood even though I'm still upset. I need to get better at recognizing snares of the past sooner. I want someone who is aggressive and communicative and being able to talk to someone isn't the same thing as feeling connected to them. Maybe I'm just not good at the long distance thing. I'm going to take a break from the whole dating scene for a while. This has showed me that I'm not as ready as I thought I was. At least I escaped before I get in too deep. I probably saved myself a lot of heartache, part of me thinks I should try and talk to him. But I felt as if this huge weight was lifted when I told him that this wasn't working for me. 

Last night a girlfriend of mine asked if she should watch Pretty Woman. I've never really liked that movie, but you know I can't resist the temptation to meddle so I told her to remake it with a baseball player in the lead role and invite me over to watch it with her. I was kidding, but she thought that was a good idea and so did some other friends of mine. I spent part of last night having a ton of fun envisioning how this could work. People talk about breaking the color barrier and how poorly other countries are represented by MLB skippers, but the men are light years ahead of women. I can't believe that there's any reason women can't play baseball other than those in charge won't let them. I think a movie about a woman trying to break into Major League Baseball is a timely and needed film that has yet to be produced. I found a picture of a Korean woman holding up her leg, we haven't been inclusive and the sport is suffering for it. I write about baseball, but I'm always hesitant to post what I've written because it's a lot of feelings and opinions. The softer side of baseball if you will. I'm an important fan because I have outsider perspective and a footwear protocol that would make the game safer than it is now. We have no standards when it comes to footwear. That's hurting athletes and robbing them of potential that could be theirs. I need to step outside of my comfort zone more. I play it safe way too often. 

Yesterday I got back to fiction which I didn't realize I had missed as badly as I had. Today I'm listening to Italian disco from the 80s. I went out and watered my compost pile, got my socks wet since I didn't bother putting on shoes. Sometimes I long to feel the ground beneath my feet and socks will dry no matter how sopping wet they are. Year ago I met a guy who said something that meant a lot to me at the time. We talked and exchanged ideas and then we weren't as close as we had been. He was doing his thing and I was mired down in drama that led to a divorce. The last time I called him I felt he was chilly and abrupt. He had asked me to write a guest blog post for his site and I had told him I couldn't write on demand. I had to have ideas come to me. Years later I realized I had something for him. But what started out as a piece I intended for him turned into something I didn't think he would like or want. I probably should have ran it past him anyways, but I felt like I had to produce something that might net me some money. Retrospectively I should have gone with my gut feeling. I'll probably die impoverished, but I'll feel better about the degree of authenticity in my life. I'm impatient. I produce a lot of content, but I'm a lousy editor. I don't make the time for it. These people have my respect, it's far from a strength of mine, but there's plenty else I am good at and that's what I'm trying to focus on going forward. It's fitting that I feel free on Veteran's Day. Thanks to all who have served and those who continue to do so despite hardship and injustice. 

So today the wi-fi decided that my laptop shouldn't be connected to the internet. Kinda normal, router's been possessed of a foul temperament since we got it. I restart it. This usually fixes it but not today. Check the desktop it has internet access. Restart the router again, still not fixed. Okay process of elimination says that the problem isn't with the router or the internet connection so it must be with my laptop. Restart the laptop after seventeen days of up time. Then Windows decided to hold my laptop hostage for a few hours while it updated. Screw it, I'm writing a day log.

Despite being five days behind schedule I remain cautiously optimistic. It's certainly a change to try to write within a specific time frame. All of my write ups to date have been done over a period of days. I think even my earlier day logs were started on one day and copy/pasted to the next. I write slow. But clearly I can do at least passable work quickly. Actually, I'm almost proud of Dr. Dinosaur. Wanted to do a part at the end where I claim that I found the draft after I found my house broken into, my fridge raided, and claw marks on my walls but ultimately decided that would be too meta.

I have one more Steam game to node and then I'll have to find a new aspect of my life to fixate on or just start going through my drafts. I'm a little afraid of that second option because there are things I want to write up well and I worry I'll end up giving them rushed treatments. That would hardly be the worst thing in the world but I all ready regret publishing a few pieces before they were ready.

That brings me to something I've been wondering about. Could I delete one of my existing write ups and submit a complete rewrite? It feels a little XP whorish but I don't like the idea of doing a complete rewrite just to have it buried in the database, only seen three more times before the sun turns into a red giant and swallows the Earth.


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