"Okay, Dad, I love you and everything and you've been a really great single parent to me, but this is the fourth Saturday in a row we've sat here all night playing Hearts and drinking rootbeer and eating microwave popcorn. I've decided to help you get a girlfriend."

"Sweetie, your father doesn't need any help with dating. I'm a little too busy for the whole business of it, given that I am swamped at work these days and I have you to look after. And there are all those car shows I go to."

"Too many car shows, if you ask me. Aren't most of them just excuses for car dealerships to bother you about buying a new car?"

"Nonsense. Fun activities being used as marketing scams is an absurd liberal myth. I enjoy car shows. I enjoy going to them."

"Yeah, well, I know, but that is why I came up with this mad crazy idea. I signed up for a dating service on the internet, and before you get all mad and that vein starts bulging on your forehead again, I signed up as you, not as me. I know I'm too young for dating and various forms of fornication that the liberal media wants to convince me is okay through television programs slanted towards easy teen girls being heroic figures. I know, you've told me enough times--"

"You signed me up for a dating service?"

"Yes, and I already have a hit. A woman from Ohio answered and she really wants to meet you. She is really into car shows and has many other interests in common with you."

"Ohio? That's right over the border from Pennsylvania, isn't it?"

"Not far from Pittsburgh, where mom died after taking all those pills back at the hotel room while you were at a three day car show. She has a profile called MorbidlyObeseInCincinnati and she really wants to meet a man who likes car shows and has a teenage daughter."

"Sounds right up my alley... but wait, I don't want you trying to help me with my love life. It isn't right. You ought to be concentrating on your school work and finishing that paper on why a liberal attitude towards drugs causes delusional folks to take a bad attitude towards war."

"I've finished those. You've done so much to help me with my education and to undo the misteachings of my liberally biased teachers that I think it is high time I did something for you, daddy."

"Okay, let me see her profile... does she have a picture?"

"Not really."

"What does that mean? Not really?"

"Well, she has one, but it is wicked blurry. I think she might be self-conscious on account of being morbidly obese."

"Wait a minute... morbidly obese?"

"Yes, she says she is very overweight to the point of being morbidly obese, but she is honest about it, and you taught me that is what counts, not having a liberal attitude towards honesty."

"Does she sound like a big eater or do you think she was cursed by God for the sins of her forefathers?"

"She says she was taught that it was a combination of genetics and an eating disorder, but then she saw the light and realized both 'genetics' and 'eating disorders' are absurd liberal myths and now freely admits she is a porker who can't turn down a fifth plate of hot dogs and beans at a barbeque and was cursed by God for the sins of her forefathers, being made to walk around constantly sweating and aching for creamsicles."

"Well, she has a good attitude, anyway. Maybe I'll meet her. You didn't set anything up yet, did you?"

"No, I didn't set up a meeting, but I have all her e-mails saved on the computer. She is interested in meeting us at some bar in northern Kentucky this weekend. I didn't give her a definitive answer on whether you go would or not."

"Northern Kentucky?"

"Northern Kentucky."

"Where is that? Near Texas?"

"Near Cincinnati."


"More for her than for us, but what can you do?"

"A gentleman comes to a lady. This is the way of chivalry. Of course, it is only right to expect a morbidly obese woman to travel at least some distance to meet a man who may or may not have romantic intentions."

"Does that mean you are interested?"

"We'll go to Northern Kentucky."

"Dad, you are the bomb!!!"

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