Yesterday my husband sent in the divorce paperwork. Today we went to see my therapist together. She does not want us to get divorced, and says that we can work through the anger and distrust and whatever other issues we have. She's recommending a three month separation, she's advised this in the past, but it's more feasible now. She said that since my husband has ADD, he realizes that things like health insurance and retirement funds are important, but he procrastinates because he doesn't know how to do things or where to start so it looks to me like these things are unimportant to me when really it's just his brain chemistry. He said there would always be another thing I wanted him to do after he worked out his taxes, retirement, and health insurance, and my therapist said that was dangerous thinking that wasn't helping him.

Today he found out that he's going to be losing a significant percentage of his income. I have a lot of trouble with the way that he handles stress. At the time he acted like it wasn't a big deal. Then we got home and he snapped at me. I had asked him if he could start putting receipts into some sort of system if I set one up. He gave me grief about my idea, saying that he doesn't have receipts because he doesn't spend very much and telling me that he has a good handle on what he spends. When I insisted he said that there was no point in saving receipts because we never do anything with them. He said he doesn't know what I'm spending. I don't know what he spends and I pointed out that if we both saved receipts and tracked where our money was going, it would help us with budgeting and cash flow.

This is the kind of thing that I just hate. He's mad or upset about something else and then he's taking it out on me in the form of childish behavior over receipts. I really like how my therapist gets to the heart of the matter and cuts through excuses. I am angry and upset. My homework for next time is to write him a letter. I'm not looking forward to that. He has to pick one of the big three items that I said were most important to me right now and come up with some information on how to resolve these issues, possibly coming to the next meeting with an appointment. She told him he should not get a girlfriend. There are guys I could turn to in a crisis, but I went down that road before and found myself more lost than ever.

My mom came over last night. I'm really proud of the progress I've made with her. It's been tough to try and appreciate her and see the good in her. I bought my sisters some tea towels as thinking of you presents for the party on Sunday. I'm going to buy my mom some towels and give them to her for Mother's Day. That will be a small, affordable gift that will be meaningful to us both. It was surprising to me to hear that she doesn't think that she irons well. My mother taught me how to iron. I would get handkerchiefs and pillow cases to practice on and she would help me out when I graduated to shirts and other items. For me ironing is soothing, therapeutic, calming, and relaxing. I feel like the problems of my life as smoothed over as the heated plate passes over the fabric of whatever I happen to have on my board.

I'd really like a better ironing board with a prettier cover. I have no idea how old the one I have now is, but I'm guessing it's from the seventies based on the avocado green and dark brown stripes on the cover. There's nothing really wrong with my ironing board and cover, but my laundry room is dark and I feel like having a new ironing board with a more cheerful cover would be a bright spot in the room. After therapy we went and bought the dryer that will go with my washer. It's a newer model so it won't exactly match, but it will be close. I'm a matchy matchy person so it greatly distresses me when things don't go together. I realize that this is something I need to work on as we could have bought a cheaper dryer. The reason I didn't go with that option is I don't care for the doors that flip down. I am matchy matchy, but I haven't completely done away with practicality although there are those who would disagree with that.

Tonight we are going out for my daughter's birthday. She was born fourteen Sundays ago at 8:43 in the morning. I thought I was going to not make it when I was in labor. My husband and my mom were sleeping, someone was snoring and I felt so alone while I was sitting in my hospital bed. My husband had put up a website so people could get details. At the time that upset me because my family wasn't going to go to the website and I didn't see why he was spending his time on the computer when his wife was in labor. When my second was born he wouldn't watch Jill and he wouldn't take me to the hospital when my doctor said I should stop by. I wasn't sure if I was in labor since my contractions were erratic and not coming at regular intervals like people said they would. For any women out there, when people say that you will know that you're in labor, this is not necessarily true.

My husband got there ten or fifteen minutes before Jane was born. Two of sisters were there, and for all the times that I antagonized them, treated them unkindly, and criticized them, I am sorry. They were both absolutely wonderful that day, and in the following days when I was a sleep deprived zombie trying to mother a rambunctious toddler and a baby who came down with a cold before she was two weeks old. Both of my children had very rough starts in life. I feel guilty about that. Today I am letting that guilt go. I will no longer blame myself even for the things that I knowingly did or didn't do that I could have. None of us parents are perfect or even close, and I am going to forgive myself and pray that they can forgive me.

What I'm going to do going forward is to make sure that my priorities are in order so I work on the things that are most important and let the lesser things slide if it comes to that. I find writing about things that I don't want to valuable. I was dreading writing about these things when I sat down. Now I feel like I've gotten it out and I can continue working through some of these things in my own way. When people ask if there are things I don't share, the answer is of course, but I find public accountability helpful. If I tell myself that I'm going to do something, no one will remind me that I made that promise or commitment. It may not work for others, but this works for me. It also helps to show me where I was at a particular point in my life. Where I have been, where I am going, what I have done. Writing has to be coupled with action or it's nothing more than navel gazing, not there there's anything wrong with a purely reflective piece, but I think you know what I mean.

I'm going to drive out and look at some dining room sets for the condo. I almost typed that I had to do this, but it is a choice I am making. I will communicate with my mother's husband. This is another bridge I'm trying to repair as I don't care for him anymore than he loves spending time with me. I think he does love my mom in his own way, I just wish he would deal with some of his issues, but I wish she would work through the ones that she has as well. Things can be better, but they would rather go dancing and to the opera than spend money on counseling that I believe would benefit them both. Yet they are adults and I can't change either of them. I'm glad I'm going even when my therapist nixes a divorce. It may still happen, I think it will, but I am going to really work on forgiveness and letting go these next three months. This is destroying me and keeping me from actualizing and reaching my full potential, and that's just not good for anyone. 

P.S. The older I get, the more I appreciate sappy love songs that I scorned in the past. I'm not sure what this means, if anything, part of me doesn't really care. Music helps. 

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