Appendix to the Red Book of Westmarch: Selected Entries from Gimli Elf-friend’s personal diary
Journal Entry 56
Arrived at Rivendell. Not quite sure why I’m here. Some elf was making eyes at me.
Journal Entry 57
Now I remember why I had to come here: my father made me. Some days I wish he’d been crushed to death instead of Thorin.
Journal Entry 58
Not much to do here. I keep running into those damn elves, though.
Journal Entry 63
The head elf (I can’t remember his name) called together a meeting today. That same elf was there, making eyes at me. I don’t trust him.
Journal Entry 75
We left Rivendell today — finally. It feels like it’s been months since we agreed to go. We have a couple of little hairy guys coming with us. They’re not quite dwarves, but I feel a little better.
The elf tried to strike up a conversation today, but I spat in his eye and threatened to cut off his pinkie toe.
Journal Entry 77
Happy 3019! I’ll be 140 this year.
Journal Entry 79
The wizard is having us cross the mountains. I'd rather be under the mountain than on it.
I also don’t trust the wizard. They’re too tall, and I hear they come from the same place as the elves.
Journal Entry 80
We couldn’t make it over the mountain. For once, those Men were useful, but if people had listened to me, we wouldn’t have had any trouble in the first place.
I’m not quite sure what happened, but heavy snow started falling as soon as we started climbing the mountain. I think it’s some wizard thing.
Journal Entry 81
We’ve finally made it to some mines! It’s been a while since I’ve been to Moria, but I’m sure they’ll remember me. I wonder if they still make that meat I like.
Journal Entry 82
It’s quiet. Too quiet.
Journal Entry 83
I woke up in the middle of the night, and caught that elf staring at me. He said he was just thinking, whatever that means.
Journal Entry 84
The wizard fell off the bridge. He can have his sharp mind; I’ll take a stout body any day. Caught the elf crying. He wanted a hug, but I cut off his pinkie toe instead.
Journal Entry 86
This sounds a little weird, but I’m going to keep the toe. Maybe I’ll put it in a block of glass when I get home.
Journal Entry 88
We met up with a whole bunch of elves in the forest. They blindfolded me. If we’d been underground, you can bet that I’d give them a piece of my mind, but like my father always said, “Don’t trust elves in trees.” It never meant so much to me before.
Journal Entry 95
We’ve been here in this elf village for a while. I feel really dirty saying this, but the head elf’s wife is kinda cute. I forgot her name, though, and now it’s awkward. I have to keep calling her “My Lady” instead of just using her name.
Journal Entry 96
I asked that elf what the elf lady’s name is. He said he’d tell me for a kiss. I gave him the finger.
Journal Entry 97
I just read that last entry, and boy is it funny! I don’t mean I gave him back his toe, I mean I flipped him off. He started sniffling and everything.
Journal Entry 101
Finally! We can leave tomorrow. I’m so excited that I stayed up all last night polishing my greaves. The elf wanted to help, so I let him braid my hair. I think I look cute, but I miss having it braided by a dwarf.
Journal Entry 102
I’m writing this on the river. I would rather have walked, but that scruffy man started ordering us around. I managed to get up my courage and ask the elf lady for some hairs. They look pretty. I’ll put them in the glass block with the toe, I think.
By the way, the elf lady told me her name. It’s Galadriel. But I don’t think I’ll ever see her again, so it doesn’t really matter any more.
Journal Entry 110
Finally, a fight! I killed a whole bunch of orcs. It felt really good. But that damn elf kept trying to compare how many we’d killed. I don’t need to show that I’m better than a dirty elf — I know I am!
Journal Entry 111
We lost the little hairy guys. The stupid ones got captured, and the two who keep playing footsies with each other rowed away. The elf wanted to go after them, but I put my foot down. On his foot. He almost cried, but the man made me apologize. Damn men.
Journal Entry 113
Now we’re following the hairy guys. The elf keeps trying to teach me about nature. Since when do I care about nature?
Journal Entry 115
We found the wizard again in the forest. I had to pretend to be happy to see him, but really, I couldn’t care less.
Journal Entry 116
We made it to Rohan, which is apparently a Man kingdom where they like horses. I’m writing this down so I don’t forget it again. Lots of hairy guys walking around here, and there’s plenty of good stone in the area. I feel a little better.
Journal Entry 118
We’re leaving again. I have to ride on the same horse as the elf. It isn’t as bad as I thought it would be.
Journal Entry 119
A battle! It feels really good to kill things again. I beat the elf at killing things! I made it to forty three, which isn’t my best, but it isn’t so bad.
Journal Entry 120
More wizards. I still think they look like elves.
We found the little hairy guys again. They look taller. I knew that I shouldn’t trust them. They’re probably just hairy little elves.
Journal Entry 123
The man wanted to go into a cave and talk to some ghosts. I came along just so I could be underground again, but the elf came with me. He offered me a back rub, so I kicked him in the shin.
Journal Entry 126
Ghosts and boats. I hope I can kill things again soon.
Journal Entry 130
Finally, a battle! We got off the boat and killed a whole bunch of guys. The man told me that we can kill more guys later. The elf keeps wanting to compare how many we killed, so I poured my beer on him.
Journal Entry 131
Sorry it’s been a while since I wrote, but I’ve been having a lot of fun! We got to kill a lot of ugly guys, and the elf saved my life a couple of times, so I put some severed fingers in his hair.
Journal Entry 132
I’ve been having some really confusing feelings about the elf. Sure, I hate him, but I keep dreaming about us sailing a boat together and having a lot of fun.
He really wants to be my friend. Maybe I should just give him a chance.
But what if my father finds out? He’d sacrifice me to Aulë! I have got to figure out what I’m going to do.
Journal Entry 136
The elf made me a friendship bracelet today. I told him I’d think about it.
Journal Entry 137
I kept the bracelet. Should I give the elf his toe back?
Journal Entry 139
Lots of wild partying today. I wasn’t paying much attention, but I think the little hairy guys killed the evil wizard guy. I don’t much care what happened so long as I can drink.
Journal Entry 144
I promised that I’d show the elf some cool caves, but he wants to show me some forests, too. I only agreed because we’re friends now.
Journal Entry 145
I forgot to say! It turns out that Legolas is a prince.
Journal Entry 148
Caught Legolas staring at me again while I was sleeping. More confusing feelings.
Journal Entry 160
The man got married today. It was some elf he married, too. Why does it seem like there are elves everywhere in my life?
Journal Entry 162
I made Legolas a friendship collage with macaroni and parchment. He flipped when I gave it to him!
Journal Entry 163
Okay, so I have to confess. I got drunk and ended up sleeping with the elf. Nothing happened, except for some cuddling. He told me that elves can only go all the way with the people they marry. That’s okay with me, because I’m all dwarf! I would never do that with an elf. Maybe an elfess.
Journal Entry 165
Why doesn’t Legolas like me?
Journal Entry 170
I am so angry today! I caught Legolas kissing the little hairy guy. He said he was just showing him the traditional elf farewell, but I’ll bet the traditional elf farewell doesn’t have any tongue! I am so through with him!
Journal Entry 172
Legolas wants to know if we can still be friends. I told him I’d think about it. I almost chopped the friendship bracelet in half, but I started crying instead. I just don’t feel like a full dwarf without him.
Journal Entry 180
Okay, so I decided what I’m going to do. When those elves get on their boat to sail away, I’m going to sneak on board!
I got Legolas a cool Nerf gun for his birthday, because I know he likes shooting things. I hope he likes it!