Another day, another daylog. I slept better than I have in a while last night. I took two melatonin to see if that would help, and thankfully, it did although I'm still cold and tired and groggy this morning. Yesterday was pretty bad. It didn't start out that way, but by the end of the day I was melting down all over the place. The first thing we did was move more furniture over to the condo. I don't know why that stresses me out more than it should, I think I'm just so uncertain of everything that trying to decide where a chair or bookcase should go is too much for my short circuiting nervous system. I'm still sore from cleaning and moving, but when I walked in and saw the length of the room we had scrubbed, I patted myself on the back for putting in the extra efffort. The best thing that came out of yesterday was my therapist introducing me to someone that my daughter can see. I have to call on that today, I was supposed to go in and help watch the phones at school, I mixed up Tuesday and Wednesday when I looked at my calendar which was embarrassing, but fortunately they understood.
I'm so tired, I'm not sure how long this is going to be or how much sense it will make. I had a long cry last night, just laying in bed sobbing about anything and everything from not being able to snuggle with my daughter in the morning when she wakes up and comes into my room to the idea of having to leave a house that has been my address for almost eighteen years now to having to email our principal at school and tell him that I need to pull the girls out of school early so my daughter can go to her therapy appointment. Things aren't as bad in real life as they are in my head which is really great news if I could only convinve myself of that. I ate a lot of fruit yesterday. After roasting the chicken I could have had the girls sit down at the table, but I went into my room and hid out in there instead so now I'm mad at myself for being such a wimp. Therapy took a lot out of me, we discussed a lot of unpleasant and complicated issues and I feel confident that anyone who has been through a divorce will agree that it messes with you and your daily life on many levels.
The tile guy hasn't returned my call. I'm supposed to see if we can get the girls signed up for sailing lessons, this was my idea before I got the news that we were getting divorced and I can't believe I had to participate in a conversation about it when I'm thinking about what will happen when I need to replace my car and how the air filter for my furnace is up in the attic and I have to find a job. My friend sent me a wonderfully heartwarming email and several others told me that I could count on their support yesterday. I have no idea why that made me feel worse instead of better. I think because I have this view of myself as in need of forgiveness and I can't get past the idea that others are viewing me as more capable, spirited, and stronger than I actually feel. To some extent I think a lot of people feel that way, but I can't seem to get my thoughts in order. I'm still reading my schizophrenia book which isn't as depressing as it was when I started. I'm learning more about the condition and other disorders, I'm in awe of the research that went into it as it feels like a true labor of love to me.
Last night I read a bit in my Suze Orman book on financial planning. She has solid advice and great stories, but like the schizophrenia book, I can only take her in small doses. I know I need to get on top of my finances, I also know that there isn't a concrete way to determine exactly what my living expenses are going to be so I should plan and prepare for the worst while trusting in God to not test me beyond what I can bear. A guy I met on Twitter is going to see if I can get a short piece published on a website. I feel like I should be much more excited and happier about this than I am. Maybe I don't believe it will really happen, maybe I don't care if it does. I don't feel like it's really going to change anything. These days practically anyone can put something online and call it published which is perhaps cynical, but also true and how I feel. Last night I read a great golf article that a friend linked to on Twitter. It made me appreciate different writing styles and I felt overwhelming gratitude to this place for introducing me to so many people who use language in a way that I admire and can not.
My Quiet Places book was a comforting browse this morning. Simplicity appeals to me, tranquil oases can be created with a minimum of fuss and materials, and I am so looking foward to the moment when I see some of these places coming together at the condo. My husband and I had the attorney talk this morning. I asked if he was going to get one, he asked if I was planning on retaining one. I talked to my therapist, my aunt, my sister, and read a bunch of blogs on it. I don't really see a point in spending the money because he's being pretty reasonable and accomodating. I would get more money if I hired one, but I don't want a bitter fight in court to start off my life as a divorcee. I feel like I've already written this, if I have, forgive me, it's on my mind today. I guess this isn't writing so much as it is rambling, but I feel like I need to just put some things down here so they stop whirling around in my mind like a kite that lost its owner and is being tossed about in a violent wind storm.
When my therapist asked what would anchor me, I didn't know what to say. I need some plants at the condo, but I'm reluctant to take them away from the girls. They don't appreciate them, but to me plants are life giving, nourishing, nurturing, and a fundamental component of any dwelling. I'm afraid that if I take the plants away from here, the air won't be as good and this place will be more barren and desoate than it is now. He won't replace them, the girls won't care for them if he does or I get new ones. This is just another example of something that I worry about needlessly, a relatively minor issue that I've built up into one of great importance. I found a blue and white plant stand that I've love to get, but for now it will have to go on my wish list which I've been neglecting lately. Today I'm going to make my phone calls, go out for a walk, try to take a nap, and get back over to the condo with at least one or two plants. I can compromise on the plants. A plant is an excellent house warming gift and something I can ask relatives to share since I've given many a plant away in my day.
I feel somewhat better now. I'm still very tired, I have this wave of frantic energy that my body isn't supporting, like I could get up and run a marathon if only I could summon my body across the room and put on my socks and shoes. It was so hot the other day, but it's back to being chilly today. I can't let myself just sit and stew or freeze. I have to keep making some lists and chipping away at the tasks in front of me. I didn't make it to the library so I'm going to stop there today. For the first time in many years, I wish I was a coffee drinker. A hot shot of caffeine feels like it would help, but I know that that's a temporary fix to a more complicated problem. I can do the dishes that need to be done, and start crossing things off of my list. I've decided to reduce the furniture I'm taking over to the condo. I'm going to give myself some time to live with what I have since I can always come back for more if I need it. Simple is best right now. I can't afford to get too overwhelmed with anything right now. Who knows, I may end up finding out that I already have too much and isn't an abundance of things a very modern and first world problem to have? Just the thought makes me smile.