Last night I'm not sure I got more than an hour or so of interrupted sleep. I had fun going out last night even though it was a super short date. I like people who listen. I like it when you can sit down and have a real conversation with someone about the unsexy parts of life. I like it when two people can admire each other for their scars, how they handle their pain, how they've chosen to treat the past as a learning experience rather than a perpetual source of anger. I like people who can make me laugh. He reminds me of one of the guys I used to work with, the guy who received a poem from me. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. I wonder what he's been up to and how he's doing. He made me feel safe. That was so important to me. I've always liked the people who are different. Those who have different drums beating in their heads, the people who aren't mainstream, those who don't quite fit in with everyone else, those who can make me believe that there is freedom from banal conversations, from platitudes, from the superficial and fake. I love the people who are authentic, those who are real, the people who make life interesting, enjoyable, worthwhile, valuable, even when they tear at your soul late at night when you're not feeling well.

I'm not sure if it's allergies or I picked up something that's been going around. Today I miss my old job. I miss being able to shop there. I miss my boss, I miss that guy, others, people I used to talk to whenever we worked together. It's sad, I'm sad. I'm grieving because I went grocery shopping last night and now every time I set foot into another store, it's a reminder of what I had, that I no longer enjoy. Some time ago I took some paper grocery bags and wrote on the back of them. I connected different fruits and vegetables on one, I put red wine varietals on another. I didn't have my striped bag with me when I went to the store so I used those bags. The cashiers saw them and commented on them. I told them I used to make art out of everyday things. I told them that I had fallen in love with someone who was vegan and that love and food go together in my mind. I had forgotten about those bags until I saw them in my trunk. We all slept in today. I laid there fretting for a while until I decided that I was giving my children the gift of rest. There weren't going to be any responsibilities today, we are just going to use this day to be. I keep crying, nothing real serious, just tears here and there, hopelessness, frustration, tiredness, futility, rage, weakness, despair, but through it alll, a knowledge that the next moment may bring something completely different.

Someone that sent me an email asking for a phone interview finally got back to me. I'm glad I didn't push even though I could have. Getting a job is a confusing process. You have so little control over what is out there, and no idea what their culture may be like or what you're walking into because they're trying to show you the best parts of their organization. I'm trying not to be defeated, I know I'm in a much better place than I was, I'm very emotional today. Today I feel like a toddler who is struggling to do anything right. The kid who knocks over their drink, spills most of their food on the floor, the one who throws a temper tantrum at story hour, and wails when mom and dad tells them it's time for a nap. I feel sulky, sullen, congested, depressed, and jaded. My joints hurt and I'm kind of achy. I haven't drunk enough water and I'm mad at myself for that. But there are good things in my life too. One thing dating has taught me is how simple my life is compared to some and I really like that about myself. Others can keep their huge homes and high pressure jobs that pay well, but leave them with very little time to enjoy the fruits of their labor. I think I'm good for others, I can see what they need, I'm honest about sharing feedback with them in a kind manner, and I don't expect much out of them other than respect and conversation.

There's so much more I would like to share, but my head is pounding and I'm sure the other patrons at the library are leery of someone who looks like they jammed a baseball cap on their head after they literally rolled out of bed this morning.

Much love,


P.S. I'm proud of myself for the things I accomplished in February. May not seem like much when I still have so far to go, but at least I'm taking small steps forward.


Lazy Saturday!

It was a nice morning, too hot for outside work, my favourite time for outside work.
I got the lawn mower out and figured I'd have a go at fixing it.

Now, I'm not much of a handyman, my dad was a mathematician, and my parents got divorced in my early teens, so even if he did have hands on skills to teach me, I unfortunately missed out on those. I enjoyed taking things apart since I was very young, I remember taking apart my parents' alarm clock when I was about 5, either wanting to know what made it tick, or to be a little pest, it's hard to remember my motivations nowadays. I also like making things, though never interested enough to get really good at something, but often motivated enough to get a particular project finished, be it wood, leather, metal, cotton, digital.
Compared to the new generation, I could probably pass for an almost hands-on kinda guy, compared to my great/grandfather, I'm a blabbering imbecile with a limp and two left arms growing out of the wrong place.

I digress.

I know nothing about lawn mowers, I don't even know a difference between a two stroke and a four stroke, besides that one needs oil mixed in with petrol, so I start with the basics:

Cleaned the air filter, mower still coughing
Cleaned the spark plug, mower seems to be running a bit better
Replaced air filter and spark plug, mower steel coughing.

Took the thing apart, looking for things I can poke and prod...
Started the mower, right on top of my screwdriver, which luckily got flung into the garage door and not my foot.
Prodded, pulled and pushed some levers to find what does what and traced the problem to what I now know as a governor spring.
I looked up a replacement, and it doesn't seem like it's easy to come by in my area
I adjusted the spring by using the "she'll be right" method - Australian slang meaning that something might explode soon, but is functional for now.

Mower is functional for now.

The spring is overstretched a bit, hence lacking the finesse of a properly installed one, but it let me cut the grass.

I sharpened the blades somewhat recently, so after replacing the filter and the spark plug, the mower is pretty much serviced in my opinion.

Stasik: 1, Mower: probably +3, everyone wins.

I have no plans for the rest of the day, I've read all the Prosenoder's Cup entries, enjoyed all of them, +ed most of them.
I considered entering, but I'm not much of a writer (don't ask me why I'm on E2) and nothing tickled my unoriginal fancy, so I didn't.
I thought adjusting my "ask me about winter" draft and try to make something of it, but I don't have a story behind it, just a feeling, so I didn't.

There is an unfinished forge in my garage that needs some attention, but I'm a bit stuck, I can't afford to spend any money on it at the moment (so far it's a collection of freebies that almost make up a forge), on the account of my upcoming wedding.
By a forge, I really mean two truck brake drums, one as a base, one as a bowl for coal/firewood. Those brake drums are almost too heavy to lift by themselves, so if I connect them permanently, the thing will be immovable, so I was hoping to use threaded rods, so I could take it apart if need be, but those things are expensive, and I haven't got the tools to thread some scrap rebar (which I'm sure I could find for free).

Not to mention that I live in suburbia, and the last time I did some forging I really felt bad for the neighbors.

Time for beer and youtube now.

Idle hands are the playthings of the Devil

Having said that,

Far from idleness being the root of all evil, it is rather the only true good.

^Last quote stolen from legbagede's home page

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