Hell may hath no fury like a woman scorned, but if you mess with me and my emotions you will find yourself in a very chilly place. Today I am feeling all sorts of things. First the good; yesterday I went on the best job interview ever. I felt like I unraveled at the end, hopefully that wasn't a deal breaker. The guy who was interviewing me threw me off by complimenting me and my resume, I wasn't prepared for that and then I felt ill at ease because accepting unexpected compliments is more difficult for me than I would like it to be. I applied for a position as a Design Assistant and I'm hoping and praying that this is an opportunity that will be offered to me because this is what I really want to do. It's a small family owned company that's not too far away from me. It's located in a strange neighborhood. Decades ago I went to the Red Rooster which is a bar just down the street from this company. People raved about it, but it was just another bar to me. I didn't care for it then and I doubt much has changed since I was there more than twenty years ago. Seeing that building brought back a lot of memories, few of them good. I slept in and I really needed that. I picked Jill up from school and took her to the local Kwik Trip for snacks because I'm classy like that. Next time I will remember to pack snacks for both of us because I'm sure my blood sugar was low during that interview.
Today was upsetting because I had applied for two positions at the same company, and I wasn't sure if they wanted me back today, or they hadn't realized that they had already seen me in person. I sent them an email last night and waited for a while this morning, figuring I'd hear from them as soon as whoever got in started checking their email. The store doesn't open at 8:00, I had forgotten that, finally I picked up the phone and called. It's now 12:18 so apparently nobody expected to interview me today. That's fine, I'm just irked by the poor communication. Hopefully that doesn't mean I'm off their list, I doubt it does, but you never know, someone could have second thoughts even though the guy who interviewed me specifically said I would be invited back for a second interview. Another thing that's bothering me is I didn't go to a job fair in Madison because I didn't know if I was going to be asked to drive in a completely different direction. If I'm ever in this situation again I'll be clear that the window doesn't work for me and ask if there's another date and time that will be mutually agreeable. I lost out on two opportunities trying to play the waiting game, lesson learned, onward, forward, and upward as they say. I'm not sure where this has been said, but I like it regardless.
Speaking of the word, yesterday Jill and Jane's father sent me a text informing me that irregardless will be added to the dictionary. This is a family joke that goes way back. I was surprised to hear from him. I'm typically distrustful of communications from him, especially when there's no accompanying apology after a very unpleasant conversation. I'm not sure if he regrets what he said and implied, he's trying to extend an olive branch, he's trying to manipulate me emotionally, or he just heard that and thought of me which would be strange, but I do things like that very routinely and I dislike overthinking things which is odd considering how often I do. Now onto the less pleasant aspects of my day. I am just furious with this guy I met on Tinder. Some dreams, are in the nighttime. Even angrier than I am with him, I'm upset with myself for falling for this kind of emotional scam. Seasons change. People change. I don't need people to tell me that they are deep and intellectual. While I have been surprised on occasion, typically this is the thing I instinctively recognize and sense in others. The lesson here is probably one I needed, I accepted what this guy said and took it at face value. As soon as I read that he was an ENFJ I kind of quit thinking and just went with something I now regret.
Whatever this guy says and thinks, he acts far more like an INFP and I historically have a terrible track record with those types. Ever since I joined Tinder I followed one of the unwritten and often voiced rules; if your pictures aren't current, you had better look like them when people meet you in person. Let me, show you how I feel. I think I actually look better now than I do in older pics, of course some of that is subjective. I try to post pictures that are flattering along with some that aren't so great so people get a truer idea of what I might look like when they encounter me in real life. I had one guy accuse me of stealing someone else's pictures and I'm still angry about that. Has this guy never heard of anyone getting their hair cut? Authenticity is important to me, to imply that I swiped a random photo off the internet is downright insulting, especially since this guy never even met me in person. My hair color changes with the seasons. I don't color it, but if I spend a lot of time outdoors, or out of the sun, my hair color will change. This guy has put on a lot of weight and looks much older in the picture he sent me. His words and actions don't match and I've always had a real problem with people who say one thing, yet do another. He's selfish, immature, manipulative, and I'm just furious with myself for not seeing this sooner.
He picked the wrong woman to try and pretend to be deep with, I think one of the reasons I'm so upset is because I mistook simplicity of expression for depth. Perhaps this guy can get to a level I'm not giving him credit for, but he's failed to establish himself as someone who cares enough about others to post pictures that actually look like him online and even if I could get past that, I understand that not everyone goes on Tinder or other sites every day and photos can quickly get dated, plus you're trying to pick the best ones out of whatever is available, but he's all about himself and I am absolutely, positively, violently opposed to the guy who wants a woman to wait on him, send him sexy pictures, and be super fabulous while he sits on the couch with a Jack and Coke watching TV while she works to relentlessly improve herself. There are two sides to each and every story, but he is a mad flashback to my marriage and I'm not about to ignore that screaming scarlet flag that's bloodying the inky waters of potential romance. I feel violated and I'd be willing to bet that if you asked him for his side of the conversation he'd have very little idea as to why I'm as upset as I am. I'm probably not being totally fair to the guy, but this is not an area where I'm prepared to compromise. Be who you say you are and behave in a manner that matches your words. Be the partner you're asking someone else to be.
I think another thing that's really bothering me is being unable to truly let go of the guy who received the poem. He's looking better all the time even though I know he has issues of his own and I probably am putting him up on a pedestal. It's funny, you're supposed to be realistic about the people you love, and I am to a certain extent, but there's so much truth to the expression that love is blind. Maybe I'm choosing to overlook some of his flaws because those aren't things that are as important to me, or maybe I feel like he's suffering and I want to know why even though I realize I never will. Once someone else shuts down the lines of communication, that's it. There's no going forward, you can only live in the past and I try hard to be someone who goes forward even while I acknowledge that the past happened and has shaped who I am today. A lot of these men are hard, he had a very soft and gentle manner about him that a lot of these other men lack. I felt like he was protective when he thought that someone really needed him to be strong. He did little things that showed me he was paying attention to what was going on around him in a very quiet and observant, almost scientific manner, but he did it in a way that wasn't ever creepy or inappropriate. He had excellent boundaries. I respect that about him.
Another thing I miss about him is listening to him talk, and watching him listen to others. He has a way of drawing you into a conversation so you feel as if you and him are the only two people in the entire world. Everything else just fades away. He had a way of conveying smoldering sensuality without doing anything obvious and that was incredibly sexy and compelling. Normally I'm not great at figuring out what others are thinking and feeling, once I understood him better, he became endlessly fascinating because I could see more of how I think his mind works. He was a puzzle, an enigma, he was charismatic without calling attention to himself, his ability to remain practically invisible was astonishing to me. I felt like he could speak a language that nobody else really knows, only I could hear it inside of my head. I can still hear his voice, I can still picture his eyes. They were beautiful because they went all the way down. I felt connected to him on a level that bypassed much of the actual reality we were existing in at the moment. He could cut through chaos the way Moses parted the Red Sea, the way a surgeon chooses to submerge the blade of a scalpel, the way a heated knife will leave butter hot on both sides of the cut. That guy was one in however many billion people there are on the plant. I'll probably never see him again, but I am so incredibly profoundly grateful our paths crossed when they did.
I feel better than I did this morning. I need to write. Maybe I'll go buy myself a really cool notebook and start filling that. I feel like I already have a collection, I can't find the banana paper notebooks that have the top loading pocket, the ones they make now are coarser and not as silky or smooth as the ones I first bought. It lessens the writing experience for me. I'm so close to finishing my book and I'm sad that it's taking me so long, it makes me feel like a failure even though I know that's in my head and not a real reason to put myself down or be angry. I could not decide between pleasure and pain. Other Tinder guys that I find interesting are the guy who deleted his account, supposedly because of me. That was a lot more intensity than I'm ready for, I was completely unprepared for that and don't actually find it that flattering even though I can see how it might be perceived that way by some. I also met an Indian guy who reminds me of a very good friend of mine. He dresses very well, there's a picture of him on his motorcycle, normally I don't go for that type of thing, but you can't really see him, it's mostly the bike and he manages to convey a feeling of power, control, and fearlessness, as if the roads bend to his willpower when he's racing across them. He's a flirt and that's fun. It may not be going anywhere, but at least he's respectful, intelligent, and kind. He gets things without me having to explain anything.
Today I just want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head. I know it can take time and the dating game can leave one questioning everything, I never was the patient type, I almost feel sorry for some of these people I'm shutting down, but if you're online trying to get me to invite you over to my place when my children aren't there, best wishes to you because you're going to need them. This one guy tried to be cagey about it until I told him that I never introduce my children to anyone I may be seeing. The only person my children have met that I've gone on a date with is the one guy they already knew from going to the same chiropractor. I believe in keeping those areas of life separate until I think that a relationship is next level things. I'm open and honest about dating, I'll share pics and profiles to get their feedback, that can be fun, but they're also much younger, and not interested in some of the things I am. I wonder what about my profile gives anyone the impression that I'm down for casual sex unless these people are just swiping on anything female to see who is insecure enough to fall into bed with them. No matter how much I love sex, and I think anyone who knows me well gets that, I have standards. They remain high. I'm not trying to play hard to get, this is a big leap for me and I'm not about to compromise my morals or standards for anyone. I've been there and done that. Stakes are higher now.
I haven't written a word of fiction which is what I came to the library to do, but at least my soul feels lighter.
P.S. Please say a prayer that I find a job that is the right fit soon. I'm getting very discouraged and that's not a good feeling.