Manufacturing a CPU in your own home (Part 1)

After heavy investigative research I have devised a fool proof mechanism for creating high performance chips in your own home. Thanks to Intel's poor security and granting *public* access to documents describing the creation of these chips I can now pass it onto you! I present to you the Intel *secret*(1) text along with modifications I have made for you to DO THIS AT HOME!(2)

What you'll need

Note: Incomplete list prone to modification at any time

The manufacturing process

Clean the house

I can't stress cleanliness enough. Pick a room in your house that you don't use much. For some that is the laundry, for others the kitchen. I've even seen some people use a closet.


You want it clean, clean clean! Remove any fluff and dust collecting entities. Vacuum up down and around. Dried out dead insects, like cockroaches, are a no, no. While you're at it, vacuum outside the room and outside the house. Even do your neighbour's house. Vacuum trees and shrubs and household pets. You don't want to be trudging in bits and pieces that could spoil your careful plans.

Cleanwear - the path to success

Get your garbage bags and make a suit out of them. I know you've all seen those Intel people dancing around in them. You can do the same with garbage bags. One for each leg, one for each arm, one for the torso and one for the head. Stick them together so you get an air tight seal. You'll want eye holes so you can see but ditch the mouth hole. You'll have to run in and complete each step with one breath. We don't want your stinking vile germ laden breath stuffing this up!

Create the silicon

Most people skip this step but I think it is the most important. If God was silicon he'd probably make a 486/100. We want uber-God silicon, so we need damn good sand. Go to your local landscaping supplies and tell them you want damn good sand. Tell them that you know it is one of the most common elements on earth. Most likely they'll deliver because landscaping suppliers are accountable to some higher being that forces them to be honest and forthright. I'd probably order 1000 cubic metres just to be on the safe side. I had trouble fitting this onto my front yard but I don't think the neighbours minded too much when they realised the bigger picture

Ok, usually electric arc furnaces transform the quartz in the sand to metallurgical-grade silicon. We will be using the humble oven and aluminum pot. Remove the plastic or wooden handle from the pot. Because we don't have the furnace power of the big guys we will have to do small quantities. Get a teaspoon of sand and stick it into the pot. Stick the pot into the oven which has been turned up to FULL POWER ( We need to get to that magic 2,593 degrees Fahrenheit mark). We have two distinct advantages over the mass produced silicon item - time and working with small quantities of sand. These are the secrets.

Be patient. Soon you will see the metallurgical grade silicon start to form. Isn't it pretty? Now we need to convert it to a liquid, distill it and redeposit it. Sounds hard but it isn't. You can manufacture liquid silicon out of ordinary household items such as plastic funnels and Tupperware. You can use your trusty oven but remember always keep it on full.

Now we've got semiconductor grade rods, 99.9999999999% pure. Smell them, touch them, caress them. Now, SMASH THE CRAP OUT OF THEM! Yes, you heard me. We need to refine those suckers some more! Melt that crushed up shit in the oven again. Remember, use small amounts. Introduce a single monocrystal grain of sugar into the melted silicon. This is your monocrystal seed that will found your new silicon nation. This will take a few days. You are permitted to take a few drugs at this point in time. There's still a long way to go but it's worthwhile.

Create the silicon wafer

Soon you'll have your silicon rods which should be about 5 feet long. If they aren't then start again. Now they need to be sliced wafer thin. I personally don't have a diamond saw for the task so I use the sharpest knife i have in the house. Whack some cooking oil on the blade to help you make a nice sharp accurate cut. Get your body into a good stable position over the silicon rod. Use a tea towel to hold that rod down. Use a plain tea towel, you don't want to get distracted by pretty patterns. Cut as many as you can. You can get on a roll here and really whack out a few

Now you need to check the wafers for defects. I found out of every 257,000 wafers, I get at least one that is useable. You still need to do visual and mechanical checks on the wafer. You've probably been staring at the damn wafer for a good 18 hours, so go straight to the mechanical check. Throw the wafer around the room. Throw it into the walls. Stick it in some cat food. Wash it, dry it, sit on it. If it survives it's a goer.

Now we have the basis for a damn fine CPU


Part 2 is here!...

1 May not be secret information.

2 May not be able to do this at home or in anyone elses home, especially at your friend Rob's house (he smokes too many bongs anyway. Better not associate with him anymore).

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