Host (Mr. Blackmore): And we're back! Talking with us tonight is Rudolf Sayers, who claims to have invented a method for keeping people from falling asleep while texting. Mr. Sayers, you say this invention will save lives?
Guest (Mr. Sayers): Yes, Frank. You see, millions of people die each week from falling asleep while texting. Often they are driving or walking or operating heavy machinery and when you fall asleep doing those things, well, you're pretty much dead.
Host: Right you are, Mr. Sayers. So, how does this invention work?
Guest: Well, Todd, it's basically a small device that attaches to your neck, you can wear it under the collar of most shirts or ladies could hide it with a tasteful necklace. Anyway, it is connected to a car battery or other similar power source - I am planning a modification for standard power outlets in the US - and when it detects that you've been staring at your phone for 15 out of the last 20 minutes, it shocks you.
Host: It shocks you?
Guest: It shocks the bejeesus out of you.
Host: That's pretty amazing, Mr. Sayers. So, the shock wakes the person up and prevents a possibly fatal accident?
Guest: No. The shock wakes up the trained monkey that is included as part of the device. The monkey takes your phone away. You still go to sleep but fatality rates from cell phone use will plummet.
Although you may, in fact, yourself be dead. We've had a few issues during the test phase....
Host: Indeed. Well, let's take a call. Go ahead, caller.....
Host: Well, we seem to have lost that one. Let's try another line, shall we? Go ahead, you're on the air with Mike. My guest is Rudolf Sayers.
Host: Wow. Another dropped call, I guess. Cell phones! Totally unreliable for calling into radio.
Host: OK, well, Mr. Sayers. You say you're having trouble with the testing phase. So, what are your plans?
Guest: Well, Bob, we have a kickstarter and, ironically, a twitter account.....
Host: That is ripe with irony, sir.
Guest: Yes, yes. I know. Some of the monkeys found it to be a poor decision.
Host: Now, explain to our listeners exactly what a kickstand is.....
Guest: No, no...heh. Kick*starter*.
Host: Oh, right. Hah! Sorry. I don't even go online unless it's to see how many of my fans have posted their own fantastic ideas on our website's form.
Guest: Your what?
Host: Form. Our form. Where people on our website post their reactions to our shows.
Guest: Do you mean forum?
Host: Yes, it's for them. Our visitors to the website. To put comments on.
Guest: Um, right. At any rate, Mark, kickstarter is an internet site where even lowly celebrities can raise millions of dollars from average saps like you and your listeners, often for the most outlandish and idiotic projects that would never get funding from more traditional sources.
Host: So, you mean really edgy and dark concepts?
Guest: No, usually just really stupid and niche projects. But, people will send money into these things. As my mother said, "you don't need everyone in the world to send you a dollar, just a few thousand."
Host: Oh, excellent. Um, excuse me Mr. Sayers, I apologize to you and my listeners, I think we have a caller that my producer never told me was on the air. Hello? Caller?
Caller: Hello! Hello! Darned cellphones never work... HELLO!
Host: Oh. There you are. Go ahead, caller. Where are you calling from?
Host: We seem to be having some trouble with the lines and the seven-second delay.
Guest: You have a delay, Fritz?
Host: Yes, Mr. Sayers. It keeps the children from calling us up and saying "Fu*BEEEP*"
Oh! Oh my! I almost...no, I did. I said it. Ha! Good catch in the studio. Wow. That would have been a fine, wouldn't it? Ha, I could just imagine what the station manager would say! "Mark, how could you *BEEEEEEEP*
Oh, ha! My producer's being a cad now. I didn't say anything.
Guest: Actually, it sounded to me like you did.
Host: I'm sorry, Mr. Sayers?
Guest: Yes, Henry. It sounded like you were about to say that the station manager was going to ask you what the *BEEEEP* you thought you were doing.
Host: But that isn't even a bad word on the radio, is it?
I don't know, sir. I'm just an inventor. You're the radio guy. Don't you have a license?
Host: Well, of course. I just don't know where I put the *BEEEEP*
Now, listen here! You guys are ruining this show!
My listeners know that I would never, ever, ever, EVER say anything that would upset and offend them. My listeners are just like *BEEEEEP*
I swear to you....you guys are done. Done! You won't ever *BEEEP* in this town ever again. Do you *BEEEP* me? Stop it! That's not funny!
Mr. Sayers, I apologize. My producers seem to think that this is funny. Well, it isn't. It's *BEEEP*
Well, OK. I guess we're almost out of time. My guest has been Mr. Rudolf Sayers of Wennahakasakee. I'm Bart Whitenhymer, and I'll be back next week, with a new *BEEEP* staff. And that time I DID say it. I apologize to any callers who didn't get through. I bet it was the *BEEP* *BEEP* in the *BEEP* control room who dropped your *BEEP* calls. Good night.
A full judgment on this episode is expected sometime next week. Please check back soon, and remember to post on our form.